[HARVEY and BERNICE are watching Olivia Colman be pretty wonderful at acting on Harvey’s desktop PC. I mean, she’s really, really acting well.]
HARVEY: I could do that
BERNICE: With those feet?
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[CAT and HIS CAT are sitting in the dining room.]
CAT: Whoa, Cat, did you hear that?
HIS CAT: …
[Enter KAT]
KAT: Hear what?
CAT: Oh, nothing.
[Cat’s Cat looks at Kat.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[NANCY opens the passenger seat of TINA’S Ford Focus sitting on the driveway.]
TINA: Got the shovel?
NANCY: Got the shovel.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[AVA and AGENT F19 are holding hotdogs at a BBQ.]
AVA: So, what do you do for a living?
AGENT F19: Nothing…
AVA: How long have you been a spy?
AGENT F19: About six year… Bugger.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[SHELLEY and MARKF are snuggled up in bed on their 30th wedding anniversary looking over the fading photo album from the big day.]
SHELLEY: I’m sorry, but I have to ask…
MARKF: Go on…
SHELLEY: It’s definitely ‘Markf’?
MARKF: Yepf.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[SWANKY CARMICHAEL and BART BOJANGLES are flicking de-shelled pistachio nuts at each other.]
SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Alright then, Barty. If you’re so in touch with the regular Joseph, how much is a pint of milk these days?
BART BOJANGLES: Easy petits-poisy… 2 million pounds.
SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Dammit, he’s good!
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[SUZIE is sitting at her desktop computer, shaking profusely. THE GHOST is hovering on Suzie’s lap.]
THE GHOST: Everything OK, Suzie?
SUZIE: I’ve never bought a train ticket online before.
[The Ghost’s teeth shatter.]
THE GHOST: You’ll be great, hun.
[The Ghost’s hair is essentially just flames at this point.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[BARBARA and JUNE are sitting at the dining table. Barbara has a tea. June does not have a tea. June has a coffee.]
BARBARA: What do you think I’m trying to say when I say, “no”?
JUNE: “Know”?
BARBARA: Exactly!
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[It’s half time between the blues and the reds. SPEEDY has Jaffa Cakes.]
SPEEDY: Jaffa Cake?
50p HEAD: Nah, I’m driving.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
[A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG has his back to DOUG. Doug is tapping him on the shoulder with his finger.]
DOUG: Can you imagine…
[Doug is holding a box that has bit of tape stuck to it with the words SECURITY SEAL printed on.]
…can you imagine a seal working as a security guard?
A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG: No.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2024
Carl tells tales 