[DOT is drumming her fingers on the table next to her wife PIPPA.]

DOT: I feel like a bag of crisps.

PIPPA: You look like one too.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BRISCOE and BRANDY are watching porn.]

BRISCOE: Fancy a salad?

BRANDY: Nah it’s cool, I’ll just have a bit of chopped up lettuce mixed with some sliced cucumber, halved plum tomatoes, diced red onion, chunks of spring onions and pitted olives.

BRISCOE: So, a salad?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[IZZY is watching MAX bugging out.]

IZZY: What happened to your stress ball?

MAX: Ate it.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

They’ve moved the blueberries
in the Sainsburys by Vauxhall station.
I use it once a month when I’m in London
because I can walk in and find the blueberries
without thinking ‘where are the blueberries?’
but not today
because they’ve moved the blueberries
so I’ve got to think ‘where are the blueberries?’
but I don’t have time
so I ask someone who works in Sainsburys
‘Excuse me, where are the blueberries?’
and he says, ‘who knows?’ with a smile
that makes me wish he was a blueberry
so I could buy him and take him with me
on my rushed journey to the office
and learn every little detail about his life.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SUSAN is serving THE MARTIAN a plate of sausages and mashed potato.]

THE MARTIAN: What…Do…You…Earthlings…Call…This?

SUSAN: Not today, Barney, please.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[CORNELIUS and CRANBERRY are reorganising their loft.]

CRANBERRY: You know Betsy?

CORNELIUS: Betsy Barnard?

CRANBERRY: The very same.

CORNELIUS: What about her?

CRANBERRY: She only went and shagged that bloody robot she bought.

CORNELIUS: Told you.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch
Ouch

Carl Burkitt 2025

[FINE and DANDY are playing chess.]

FINE: Fancy a muffin?

DANDY: Go to hell.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[PATRICIA and RAHUL are alone, just the two of them on the sofa. The room is warm, dimly lit and the air is comfortably silent. They may as well be the only two people left on Earth.]

[Patricia is asleep and Rahul has his arm around her shoulder as her head rests on his chest.]

[Patricia farts herself awake.]

PATRICIA: That wasn’t me.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[LACEY and CHANEL are putting their wellies on.]

LACEY: The biggest difference between you and me…

CHANEL: Go on…

LACEY: Is feet.

CHANEL: What on Earth does that mean?

LACEY: I mean, you’ve got three feet.

CHANEL: Yes…

LACEY: And I’ve got two.

CHANEL: Of course.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025