[MIKE MEMORY and COMMON-SENSE CALLUM are watching Apollo 13 in Common Sense Callum’s multi-media room.]

MIKE MEMORY: I read once, right, that if an astronaut spends a long time in space, their bones actually start to lose mass. It’s called spaceflight osteopenia and affects the hips, legs, and the spine. It’s the microgravity, you see, it decreases the natural bone building that we all experience every day. Today, you and me, our bones will slightly break and decrease and rebuild themselves. But it just doesn’t happen in space because the floating about means there’s less stress on the bones, so they effectively start to wear away due to lack of use. Load-bearing exercise, you know, walking, running, sports like football and basketball, are the best way to keep healthy bones. But that microgravity means they just can’t exercise without being strapped down to a treadmill up there. Once they return to Earth it can take up to four years for their bones to recover.

COMMON SENSE CALLUM: Makes sense.

MIKE MEMORY: Yeah, I thought so too.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

There will be a day
when you can beat me in foot race
and handle spice better than my tongue can
and reach the top of the bookshelf without me
and tie your shoelaces without me
and make a Marmite sandwich without me
and learn how I really take chocolate coins
from the back of your ear at Christmas time
and how your mum and I don’t know what we’re doing
and how the world is heavy
and how the world is heavy
and how the world is heavy
and that is fine
as long as you promise to never stop calling
the tingles in a dead leg “pins and noodles”.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JEFF is standing in the dining room. He has an old photo of his 25 year old nephew as a new born baby in one hand and is staring at the palm of his other hand.]

JEFF: Blimey. He used to fit in here. He came from the soul of my sister, my wise, beautiful, generous little sister. He was a portrait of the universe. A crumb of the Earth’s crust. He was an entire ocean and he just fit in my hand. I mean, an entire life just fit in my hand. And those eyes! They were the shape of planets sprinkled with the dust of a future that would blow us away. And he just fit in my hand! Meeting him felt like climbing a tree that was once planted by a stranger three thousand years ago, walking around with my blood in their veins. And he jus-

[SUE, Jeff’s wife, throws a pebble against the French doors from the back of the garden.]

SUE: [Yelling off stage] Get us a dog turd bag.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

Licking food off of my knife
Using a loud hand dryer in a public loo
Crossing the road without waiting for the green man
Refusing to try new things
Not using my listening ears
Eating dinner with my fingers
Building LEGO without a manual
Not saying please or thank you
Not using gentle hands
Calling myself horrible names
Not being kind to my body
Not eating popcorn when Cars 3 is on

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SHIRLEY and BOB. JUST BOB are nibbling Bourbon biscuits in the conservatory.]

BOB. JUST BOB: Thinking of becoming a wig maker.

SHIRLEY: Oh yeah?

[Shirley scratches the back of her head.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[RUFUS comes home after a long day at the office. He has no skin or muscles or tissue or veins on his body. He is just a skeleton. He is a skeleton and just walks through the door like normal and kisses TIFFANY on the forehead.]

TIFFANY: Good day, babe?

RUFUS: The usual.

TIFFANY: Fish fingers for tea?

RUFUS: Sounds great.

TIFFANY: Fancy starting that new ITV drama tonight?

RUFUS: Absolutely.

TIFFANY: Cup of tea?

RUFUS: Lovely. I’ll just get changed.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DOT is drumming her fingers on the table next to her wife PIPPA.]

DOT: I feel like a bag of crisps.

PIPPA: You look like one too.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BRISCOE and BRANDY are watching porn.]

BRISCOE: Fancy a salad?

BRANDY: Nah it’s cool, I’ll just have a bit of chopped up lettuce mixed with some sliced cucumber, halved plum tomatoes, diced red onion, chunks of spring onions and pitted olives.

BRISCOE: So, a salad?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[IZZY is watching MAX bugging out.]

IZZY: What happened to your stress ball?

MAX: Ate it.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

They’ve moved the blueberries
in the Sainsburys by Vauxhall station.
I use it once a month when I’m in London
because I can walk in and find the blueberries
without thinking ‘where are the blueberries?’
but not today
because they’ve moved the blueberries
so I’ve got to think ‘where are the blueberries?’
but I don’t have time
so I ask someone who works in Sainsburys
‘Excuse me, where are the blueberries?’
and he says, ‘who knows?’ with a smile
that makes me wish he was a blueberry
so I could buy him and take him with me
on my rushed journey to the office
and learn every little detail about his life.

Carl Burkitt 2025