[JEFF is standing in the dining room. He has an old photo of his 25 year old nephew as a new born baby in one hand and is staring at the palm of his other hand.]

JEFF: Blimey. He used to fit in here. He came from the soul of my sister, my wise, beautiful, generous little sister. He was a portrait of the universe. A crumb of the Earth’s crust. He was an entire ocean and he just fit in my hand. I mean, an entire life just fit in my hand. And those eyes! They were the shape of planets sprinkled with the dust of a future that would blow us away. And he just fit in my hand! Meeting him felt like climbing a tree that was once planted by a stranger three thousand years ago, walking around with my blood in their veins. And he jus-

[SUE, Jeff’s wife, throws a pebble against the French doors from the back of the garden.]

SUE: [Yelling off stage] Get us a dog turd bag.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

Licking food off of my knife
Using a loud hand dryer in a public loo
Crossing the road without waiting for the green man
Refusing to try new things
Not using my listening ears
Eating dinner with my fingers
Building LEGO without a manual
Not saying please or thank you
Not using gentle hands
Calling myself horrible names
Not being kind to my body
Not eating popcorn when Cars 3 is on

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SHIRLEY and BOB. JUST BOB are nibbling Bourbon biscuits in the conservatory.]

BOB. JUST BOB: Thinking of becoming a wig maker.

SHIRLEY: Oh yeah?

[Shirley scratches the back of her head.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[RUFUS comes home after a long day at the office. He has no skin or muscles or tissue or veins on his body. He is just a skeleton. He is a skeleton and just walks through the door like normal and kisses TIFFANY on the forehead.]

TIFFANY: Good day, babe?

RUFUS: The usual.

TIFFANY: Fish fingers for tea?

RUFUS: Sounds great.

TIFFANY: Fancy starting that new ITV drama tonight?

RUFUS: Absolutely.

TIFFANY: Cup of tea?

RUFUS: Lovely. I’ll just get changed.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DOT is drumming her fingers on the table next to her wife PIPPA.]

DOT: I feel like a bag of crisps.

PIPPA: You look like one too.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BRISCOE and BRANDY are watching porn.]

BRISCOE: Fancy a salad?

BRANDY: Nah it’s cool, I’ll just have a bit of chopped up lettuce mixed with some sliced cucumber, halved plum tomatoes, diced red onion, chunks of spring onions and pitted olives.

BRISCOE: So, a salad?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[IZZY is watching MAX bugging out.]

IZZY: What happened to your stress ball?

MAX: Ate it.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

They’ve moved the blueberries
in the Sainsburys by Vauxhall station.
I use it once a month when I’m in London
because I can walk in and find the blueberries
without thinking ‘where are the blueberries?’
but not today
because they’ve moved the blueberries
so I’ve got to think ‘where are the blueberries?’
but I don’t have time
so I ask someone who works in Sainsburys
‘Excuse me, where are the blueberries?’
and he says, ‘who knows?’ with a smile
that makes me wish he was a blueberry
so I could buy him and take him with me
on my rushed journey to the office
and learn every little detail about his life.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SUSAN is serving THE MARTIAN a plate of sausages and mashed potato.]

THE MARTIAN: What…Do…You…Earthlings…Call…This?

SUSAN: Not today, Barney, please.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[CORNELIUS and CRANBERRY are reorganising their loft.]

CRANBERRY: You know Betsy?

CORNELIUS: Betsy Barnard?

CRANBERRY: The very same.

CORNELIUS: What about her?

CRANBERRY: She only went and shagged that bloody robot she bought.

CORNELIUS: Told you.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025