Mila Kunis said “I can do this!”
And popped on her Nikes,
Went for a run
Then fell to the ground.

Mila Kunis said “I can do this!”
And picked herself up
But noticed her leg had snapped
Then fell back to the ground.

Mila Kulis said “I can do this!”
And passed out, lying on the ground.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Alan Shearer couldn’t hear her.
“Her” being the old lady.
The one on the phone called Vera.

“Sorry Vera, I can’t hear ya,”
Said Alan Shearer.

See, I told ya.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Cara Delevigne
Had double cream
On everything she ate.
Sausage, cereals
Or even boiled skate.
It was a surefire way, to frighten away
A horrid first date.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Chris Hemsworth’s net worth
Was bigger than Woolworths’.
Or so he thought.
He never Googled it
Incase he got it wrong.
He’d never live it down
Because he told everyone one in town:
“My name’s Chris Hemsworth
And I’m bigger than Woolworths!
SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!”

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Antonio Banderas
Held his cards close to his chest.
“QUEEN OF HEARTS!”
“QUEEN OF CLUBS!”
“QUEEN OF SPADES!”
Unfortunately, he had a big fucking mouth.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Anna Kendrick hated metrics.
Seconds, she reckoned,
Were as shit as damn kilograms.
Metres didn’t please her.
And an ampere? “Never heard of ya!”
She loved watts diddly squat
And thought Celsius was horrendous.
Anna Kendrick HATED metrics.
She’d spend every morning over cereal,
Dreaming of good old imperial.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Roger Federer
Was a great listenerer.
When people were worried
Or sad, or in dangerer
He’d use both his left and right earer
To listen and make them feel betterer.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Charlize Theron knew something was wrong
So looked around the room for clues.

She saw footprints on the floor
And bloodstains on the door,
But they were there from yesterday.

As were the skid-marks up the curtains
And the fire, she knew for certain,
So decided things were fine,
She was just having “one of those days!”

© Carl Burkitt 2018

M. Night Shyamalan went to the shop to get some orange juice. It only took him 30 seconds because it was just at the end of his road, you see. The shop had loads of orange juice, so he was very pleased to be able to buy some. The walk home was just as smooth as the one to the shops. He went through the front door and headed straight to the kitchen and poured some orange juice into a glass. When he drank the orange juice, he was delighted with how nice it tasted. A few hours later he headed to bed, but realised he hadn’t put the carton of leftover orange juice away. As he went to put the carton in the fridge, he realised the fridge was actually the ghost of his great, great grandfather. Not a brilliant ending to the day, but certainly a surprising one.

© Carl Burkitt 2018