The most flip-floppy Christmas Creature going. With gills of flames and a need to live deep in the ocean, the Fireplaice doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.
Despite its indecisiveness, everyone loves this crackling beast. So much so, Christmas Creatures will travel from miles and miles to gather round, curl up and stare at it for hours on end.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
A perennial lost soul, the Home Alone Wolf is constantly on the hunt for loved ones.
Unfortunately, its lack of personal connection or the ability to trust means whenever another Christmas Creature attempts to get close they get twatted on the bonce with a paint pot. Once the Home Alone Wolf completes the murder, the weirdo poses with its front paws pressed against its cheeks.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Steve Whittingham)
The Candy Crane is unreal. Standing at 20 foot tall with a 15 foot wing span, this razor beaked, red and white striped meat eater has the abilities to be the king of the Christmas Creatures.
Being wrapped head-to-toe in plastic renders it nigh on useless, as it remains bed bound and friendless – except for the thousands of ants that crawl all over it.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
What a bloody pervert. Mistletoads can be found creeping around at night time, hunting down lovers of all kinds. Too afraid to embark on having sex itself, this filthy little Christmas Creature prefers to gawp at others in the throes of passion.
As it watches all sorts of unsavoury acts, the Mistletoad strokes its leafy skin with one hand and sneaks photos with the other.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
Don’t let the gigantic horns, grizzly gob and terrifying snout fool you, the perfectly spherical boarble is a delicate little flower.
Without legs to run away or arms to protect itself, even the weakest of Christmas Creatures try to attack it. And with its looped tail leaving it forever tied to forest trees, enemies have an absolute field day.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Chris Kilvington)
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
A door-to-door religious converter, the Bethlehamster gets shunned by all the other Christmas Creatures who claim they’ve got no room for him.
Homeless, hungry and all alone, this frustrating fella spends the second half of December staring at the stars wishing for gold. It never comes.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Steve Whittingham)
Charlotte and Scott peeped their heads
out of their bubble.
They examined what the adults had done
And climbed back inside.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Mick’s hair receded.
Quite far actually –
pretty much right down
to the back of his neck.
His head skin and skull
soon followed suit.
It was disgusting.
He was absolutely gutted,
but he got dressed and
headed straight to the hat shop.
He took an umbrella
to stop the rain
from hitting his brain.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The owner of the world
Sat down to write a poem.
Despite owning absolutely everything
She couldn’t find a fucking pen.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
INT. DAYTIME. 16th MAY 1985. MRS BRAVERY is lying in a hospital bed with a smile on her face that’s fighting the tiredness of a drawn out labour as MR BRAVERY sits next to her, holding her hand proudly.
In walks a DOCTOR with a stern face. The doctor nods at them both and stands at the foot of the bed.
MR BRAVERY: Everything OK do-
DOCTOR: I think you should sit down.
MR BRAVERY: I am…
DOCTOR: Thank you.
MRS BRAVERY: Is… is something wrong with our son?
DOCTOR: It’s not a boy.
MR BRAVERY: We have a girl?!
DOCTOR: No.
MRS BRAVERY: Wait, what…?
MR BRAVERY: No, please, don’t say it’s a…
The Doctor nods, gravely.
DOCTOR: Yes. It’s. It’s a Teacher Dad.
MR BRAVERY: GOOD GOD NO!
MRS BRAVERY: Huh? What’s a Teacher D-
MR BRAVERY: I’ve heard about those monsters!
MRS BRAVERY: Eh, what is it?
DOCTOR: There IS hope though.
MR BRAVERY: Really? I’ve heard they’re AWFUL.
DOCTOR: Well there are-
MRS BRAVERY: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL A TEACHER DAD IS!
MR BRAVERY: Well, darling. I’m sorry but I’ve heard Teacher Dads grow up to be specky little gits. The kind of guys who stay at your place, use your cups to drink out of and leave them around the house without tidying them up. I heard they learn to play stupid instruments, grow peculiar facial hair and have scrawny pathetic arms. I’ve heard they’re annoying with weird accents and can’t hold their alcohol. I…I…
Mr Bravery breaks down in tears as Mrs Bravery consoles him.
The Doctor clears his throat.
DOCTOR: Yes. That is all true.
Me and Mrs Bravery look up in fear.
DOCTOR: However! With a strong upbringing, there are reports of Teacher Dads growing up to be honest, warm and caring men. Men who will do anything for their friends, their family and anyone who needs them. Teacher Dads can grow up to be great at their chosen profession. They can be creative individuals who have the talent to provoke tears and laughter in a single musical performance. Teacher Dads can often display great generosity, assertiveness and ingenuity. They can grow up to be loving husbands, wonderful fathers and friends people will never forget.
Mr and Mrs Bravery look at one another, smile and 30 years later get exactly what they wished for.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 