[AVA and AGENT F19 are holding hotdogs at a BBQ.]

AVA: So, what do you do for a living?

AGENT F19: Nothing…

AVA: How long have you been a spy?

AGENT F19: About six year… Bugger.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[SHELLEY and MARKF are snuggled up in bed on their 30th wedding anniversary looking over the fading photo album from the big day.]

SHELLEY: I’m sorry, but I have to ask…

MARKF: Go on…

SHELLEY: It’s definitely ‘Markf’?

MARKF: Yepf.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[SWANKY CARMICHAEL and BART BOJANGLES are flicking de-shelled pistachio nuts at each other.]

SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Alright then, Barty. If you’re so in touch with the regular Joseph, how much is a pint of milk these days?

BART BOJANGLES: Easy petits-poisy… 2 million pounds.

SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Dammit, he’s good!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[SUZIE is sitting at her desktop computer, shaking profusely. THE GHOST is hovering on Suzie’s lap.]

THE GHOST: Everything OK, Suzie?

SUZIE: I’ve never bought a train ticket online before.

[The Ghost’s teeth shatter.]

THE GHOST: You’ll be great, hun.

[The Ghost’s hair is essentially just flames at this point.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[BARBARA and JUNE are sitting at the dining table. Barbara has a tea. June does not have a tea. June has a coffee.]

BARBARA: What do you think I’m trying to say when I say, “no”?

JUNE: “Know”?

BARBARA: Exactly!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[It’s half time between the blues and the reds. SPEEDY has Jaffa Cakes.]

SPEEDY: Jaffa Cake?

50p HEAD: Nah, I’m driving.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG has his back to DOUG. Doug is tapping him on the shoulder with his finger.]

DOUG: Can you imagine…

[Doug is holding a box that has bit of tape stuck to it with the words SECURITY SEAL printed on.]

…can you imagine a seal working as a security guard?

A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG: No.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[LILIAN is standing in her kitchen. She’s wearing an apron with the words ‘Just Call Me Jamie Oliver’.]

[Her phone rings. It’s LLEWELLYN, panting.]

LLEWELLYN: How many chicken kievs, again?

LILIAN: Two.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[BIANCA walks into the kitchen. JEREMY is kissing – full on tongues, mind – an unopen can of tuna.]

BIANCA: Alright, Jez?

JEREMY: Yep. You?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[STEWART is making a roast dinner, proof reading an essay, sending an email to the gas company, combing his hair, ironing a shirt, mopping the floor, drafting a sonnet, learning French, doing sit-ups, playing the drums, planting some flowers and designing a new cake in his head.]

[Enter POLLY]

POLLY: Can I help with anything, Stewpot?

STEWART: All gravy, baby.

[Stewart dies]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024