The Pope got home and slumped on the sofa.
‘How was work?’ asked Little Jimmy.
‘Ah, you know. The usual fire-fighting. Now, enough about me. Let’s pop those off, shall we?’ said the Pope, pointing at the boy’s trousers.
Little Jimmy giggled and did as he was told.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Piers Morgan interviewed his own reflection.
“Why are you such an arrogant prick?” he asked, as his subject smiled smugly and slowly undressed.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Every morning I wake up
I wonder if today will be my day.
Then I leave the house;
And I see you
And the love you receive
And the joy that you share
And I go back inside,
clean my balls and
wonder if tomorrow will be my day.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Mary Berry disrobed and
stepped into the shower.
As she rinsed her hair
with strawberry jam
And scrubbed her bits
with sponge cake,
She giggled at how much
she loved her job.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
When I’m bored I think of you
And imagine you killing the time
By climbing that tree;
Kissing a girl;
Calling your mum.
When I’m alone I think of you
And imagine you filling the void
By going to that pub;
Talking to a stranger;
Saying yes to a friend.
When I’m pissed off I think of you
And imagine you solving the problem
By cracking that smile;
Shrugging your shoulders;
Seeing the silver lining.
When I’m lazy I think of you
And image you using your body
By running a marathon;
Completing a triathlon;
Doing literally what ever the fuck you can.
When I succeed I think of you
And I thank you
For no longer being here
So that I can think of you.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
The giraffe was feeling blue
So promised himself a treat
Of spaghetti Bolognese,
But when he got home
He remembered he didn’t eat meat.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
1) A game of hide and seek against everyone on Earth
2) Everyone to give up trying to find me
3) A pillow for me and my trophy
© Carl Burkitt 2015
When I die I will leave you
my bucket list to complete:
Bungee jump
Go to Peru
Learn a trade
Swim with dolphins
Get married
Have kids
Appreciate wine
Set up a charity
Be happy
Die alone
© Carl Burkitt 2015
I was confident I knew you
so I gave you the ketchup but
it was clear you wanted mayo.
We both laughed and finished our chips
and then walked to the cinema.
I was confident I knew you
so got two for the romcom but
you stroked the Sly Stallone poster.
I got us a refund and we
went in to Expendables 3.
I was confident I knew you
so slid my hand up your left thigh
but you leaned in to me and said
I’m sorry, I’m in love with Mark.
As a bad guy’s head exploded
I was confident I knew you.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Janet woke up
surrounded by hot lava.
‘Great,’ she sighed,
‘Yet another bone to pick with Brian.’
© Carl Burkitt 2015
642 Challenge: “You are surrounded by hot lava. What happened next?”
