The block of flats was silent.
Josh farted.
64 lights flicked on and at least three texts were drafted.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Neighbour from hell
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Category Archives: Poems
Lonely
The man lost an ear.
He was fuming but secretly loved
the fact he finally had an
icebreaker for work functions.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Reality check
The wrestler did some wrestling.
It was the “fake” wrestling
but he really hurt his back.
He went home and his wife cried,
until his cheque came in and they
bought a brand new house.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
9 to 5
The Pope got home and slumped on the sofa.
‘How was work?’ asked Little Jimmy.
‘Ah, you know. The usual fire-fighting. Now, enough about me. Let’s pop those off, shall we?’ said the Pope, pointing at the boy’s trousers.
Little Jimmy giggled and did as he was told.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Hart hitting
Piers Morgan interviewed his own reflection.
“Why are you such an arrogant prick?” he asked, as his subject smiled smugly and slowly undressed.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Every dog
Every morning I wake up
I wonder if today will be my day.
Then I leave the house;
And I see you
And the love you receive
And the joy that you share
And I go back inside,
clean my balls and
wonder if tomorrow will be my day.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Vocation
Mary Berry disrobed and
stepped into the shower.
As she rinsed her hair
with strawberry jam
And scrubbed her bits
with sponge cake,
She giggled at how much
she loved her job.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
You
When I’m bored I think of you
And imagine you killing the time
By climbing that tree;
Kissing a girl;
Calling your mum.
When I’m alone I think of you
And imagine you filling the void
By going to that pub;
Talking to a stranger;
Saying yes to a friend.
When I’m pissed off I think of you
And imagine you solving the problem
By cracking that smile;
Shrugging your shoulders;
Seeing the silver lining.
When I’m lazy I think of you
And image you using your body
By running a marathon;
Completing a triathlon;
Doing literally what ever the fuck you can.
When I succeed I think of you
And I thank you
For no longer being here
So that I can think of you.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Pick me up
The giraffe was feeling blue
So promised himself a treat
Of spaghetti Bolognese,
But when he got home
He remembered he didn’t eat meat.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
If a genie granted me three wishes I would ask for
1) A game of hide and seek against everyone on Earth
2) Everyone to give up trying to find me
3) A pillow for me and my trophy
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 