but you whisper swear words
like a sniper with a silencer in front of our son.
The vein on your neck is a burning candle
atop the birthday cake of the day we first met
whenever strangers cut you up.
Your car horn sings hymns of forgiveness.
Your headlights blink
Morse code for, ‘We all make mistakes’.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JENNY is cooking a spaghetti bolognese in the kitchen. YODA walks in.]

YODA: Slicing carrots you are. Onions you have. Garlic you’ve got. Tomatoes in a tin they are-

JENNY [Interrupts]: Shut it, Patrick.

PATRICK: Sorry, love.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BARRY BIG BUM is rubbing his big bum.]

BARRY BIG BUM: Yum yum.

[In walks HIS MUM.]

HIS MUM: Oh, son.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[Mates, BILLY, GOAT and GRUFF are having a picnic, chatting about being mates.]

BILLY: Funny how we’re mates, what with our names.

GRUFF: Haha yeah!

GOAT: MAA.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BADGER wanders into the Wig and Pig pub and sees THE MOLE.]

THE BADGER: Mole.

THE MOLE: Badger.

[THE PIGEON walks in and all hell breaks loose.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DARCY DING DONG is knackered on the sofa. Desperate for a bit of ding dong energy.]

[DING DONG, ding dongs Darcy Ding Dong’s doorbell.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[Darcy Ding Dong jumps off the sofa and boots down her door from the inside.]

DARCY DING DONG: DING DONG!!!

[THE POSTMAN behind the door dies.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY is eating gold-tinted caviar out of the shell of giant tortoise using a unicorn horn as a spoon.]

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: MONTY!

[In walks MONTY, Mont Gomery Montgomery’s butler (I know, it’s confusing).]

MONTY: Yeee-eeeeeees?

MONT GOMERY MONTGOMERY: Gimme a snog.

[They have a right old snoggy snoo.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MARY is looking for a dust cloth. MARVIN walks into the kitchen wearing nothing but a dust cloth over his genitals.]

MARY: Let’s do this.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BABY is looking cute with its yellow baby grow and pink dummy and fluffy white socks and squidgy cheeks and button-nose and soft, thin hair and little podgy fingers and lovely wovely chinny winny and coochie oochie coochie little oochie coochie coo!!!!!!!!!]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[STANLEY is in a spa roughly 100 miles from his house. The two-day stay was a gift for him and his wife SUZANNE by Suzanne’s sister (June, not Emily).]

STANLEY: Isn’t this relaxing?

SUZANNE: It really is.

STANLEY: I can’t even remember why June thought we needed a getaway!

SUZANNE: You fucked Emily.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025