Larry David
Declared he would spend the day
Smiling and chatting to people he saw.

So he locked his door,
Shut the curtains
And smashed up all the mirrors.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Dan Aykroyd
Turned into an android.
The proper metal kind.
He had hinges, and screws
And a pre-programmed mind.
I think you’ll find
He enjoyed his new frame,
It was less creaky and squeaky
And hid him from fame.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Mike Tyson bit a bison,
Then a dog, then a cat,
Then his brand new Dyson.

It meant, of course,
His house was full of dust
But, I’m sorry,
When anger kicks in, needs must.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Nicole Scherzinger
Downed an Erdinger
And ate pork scratchings
With her mates.

It was her favourite way
To spend a day
While flicking through Tinder
Lining up dates.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

John Cusack
Asked for cash back.
He laughed with the check out guy
About that humorous rhyme
And walked out giggling,
Forgetting to take the 50 quid with him.
Wally.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Khloe Kardashian
Bought some pickle
And a dozen tins of Spam.

She cracked them open
Mixed the contents in a pan,
Smashed them down her gob
And slept like a lamb.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Ariana Grande
Ordered a “grande”,
But when it arrived
The coffee was too small.
So she sent it back and ordered a “tall”,
Which turned out even smaller!
So she demanded to see the manager
To have a bit of a venti
And once she was done yelling
He gave her a “trenta”,
Which was plenty.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Sheridan Smith
Grew a massive quiff
For reasons she never knew why.

But she soon ran out of work
Because of those TV jerks
Who hated her hair
Now that it reached the sky.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Solange Knowles
Played some bowls
And smashed her competition.

Her style was smooth
She nailed every move
And was a forgone conclusion to win.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Zinedine Zidane
Flew to Japan
On a plane made from marzipan.

It may have been a dream…
He couldn’t remember.

© Carl Burkitt 2018