Selena Gomez
Bought some plants to growmez.
She dug the soil with her garden hoemez
Popped the plants in,
Patted the ground with her big toemez
And celebrated with an ice cream conemez.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Josh Hartnett
Put on a hair net
And farted, eating ham.

He knew it wasn’t big,
He knew it wasn’t clever
But with work drying up
It was a way to kill an hour.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

“Oh, Sandra,” said the man.
“Good one,” smiled Sandra Oh.

“Oh! Sandra!” giggled the man.
“Yep,” nodded Sandra, politely.

“Sandra? Oh…” laughed the man.
“Mmhmm,” said Sandra.

“Sandra!” said the man before Sandra Oh punched him square in the jaw.
“Ow…” cried the man.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Benedict Cumberbatch
Opened up the hatch
And stared at what was inside.

He looked at it.
He spat at it.
He couldn’t get over its size.

He quickly slammed the hatch shut,
Cursed so much
And cried from both of his eyes.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Vin Diesel killed a weasel
Using the heel of his shoe.
It left him blue
But he didn’t know what else to do
When it jumped up
And bit his left testicle.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

David Hasselhoff had a nasty cough.
He spluttered and sneezed
And puffed and wheezed
All over his favourite trunks.
‘Ah feck it,’ he laughed by the gorgeous pool,
Dripping snot as he got blind drunk.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Will Ferrell was in peril
So screamed “help”
At the top of his lungs.

A stranger stopped by
And helped him out with a smile
Then Will thanked him
Over an iced finger bun.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Forest Whitaker quit Twitter
And started writing
His thoughts on post-it notes.

He stuck “Hungry, lol!” on the fridge,
“#FridayFeeling” on a Crunchie bar,
And “I’m so lonely” on his wife’s head.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Jane Lynch shrank down to an inch
And went hunting for things to pinch.

First she stole some crumbs from a mouse
Then a strand of straw from a rabbit’s house.

She had so much fun
Being one inch for a while,
It was the happiest dream
She’d dreamt in a while.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Harrison Ford felt bored
So bought a Ford
And drove it into a Fjord.

A kind Norwegian said:
“Need a hand getting out?”
And Harrison screamed:
“Piss off! I’ll do it of my own accord!”

© Carl Burkitt 2018