Colin Firth
Was the absolute worst
At playing Monopoly.
He’d only ever buy Old Kent Road
And always forget to
Collect £200 when he passed go.
He’d also smash up the board when he lost
And throw his guests out the window.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Adam Sandler
Pretended to be Chandler,
You know, that bloke from Friends,
You know, that famous American sitcom.
He said things like:
“Could that BE any funnier.”
And other stuff.
It was just a laugh, really.
You know, to get over the loneliness.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Martin Freeman
Bought cheese and ham
To make himself a club sandwich.
He got carried away
And used every single slice of bread.
It was massive.
And not that tasty.
(He forgot to put the cheese and ham in it.)

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Toby Jones
Had aching bones.
Every single one of them
Really, really hurt him.
He didn’t like medicine
So just decided to remove them,
Which didn’t work out in the long run.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Idris Elba
Called his elbows his elbas.
Wouldn’t you?

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Michael Keaton
Wore shoes with meat on.
They felt great to put his feet on
But not before long
They had a rotten pong.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

It’s Beyoncé’s birthday,
So
Shut
Your
Boring
Gob
And
Dance.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Charlie Sheen woke up a bit green.
Not cos he was jealous.
He was literally green.
Not cos he felt sick.
He was just…green.
‘What does this mean?’ said Charlie Sheen,
Completely confused why he was green.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Keanu Reeves
Wiped bogies on his sleeves.
His mates called him “gross”,
But he didn’t care,
He loved his snotty nose.
It was better than his hips or boring toes,
He just bloody loved his drippy nose.
He’d do all could to sneeze, old Reeves,
And laugh as green gunk drenched his clothes.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Scott Speedman wasn’t feeling wellman.
He had a bad gutman.
A sore headman.
Broken toesman.
A sprained wristman.
He went to A&Eman
But I don’t know what happenedman
Because I don’t really know the manman.

© Carl Burkitt 2018