Cornwall. 10th August 2014. 14.50pm – 10 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat in the living room waiting for the Community Shield to start.

BARBARA: So what’s this?

HAZEL: The Community Shield. It’s where last year’s league winners and FA Cup winners face off.

BARBARA: Right.

HAZEL: It’s tradition.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Ha. Barbara…

BARBARA: Mm?

HAZEL: The Community Shield. Doesn’t that sound like some kind of superhero group sent to protect the neighbourhood. Haha!

BARBARA: No.

HAZEL: Of course it does! Community SHIELD! Haha. Like, shielding the community from danger…

BARBARA: Sounds rubbish.

HAZEL: (Sighs) Go on then, beat it…

BARBARA: Street Slags.

HAZEL: Street Slags?

Barbara nods.

BARBARA: Street Slags.

HAZEL: Really?

BARBARA: Yeah. Say it like Ray Winstone. Sounds well ‘ard. We are the street SLAGS!

HAZEL: Makes you sound like prostitut-

BARBARA: Pretend to be a burglar.

HAZEL: Eh?

BARBARA: (Stands up) Stand up in front of me and pretend you’re a burglar.

HAZEL: Fine. (Stands up) Give me all your-

Barbara puts her hand in Hazel’s chest.

BARBARA: OI! Mug off you ster-reet SLAG!

HAZEL: Wait, that makes out that I’m the street sl-

BARBARA: STREET

Barbara head butts Hazel.

BARBARA: SLAG

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 8th August 2014. 19.05pm – 40 minutes before kick off.

After a successful World Cup in Brazil, Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa, excited for Blackburn vs Cardiff to kick off and start the Football Season 2014-15, surrounded by beers, crisps and chocolate nibbles.

HAZEL: This is VERY exciting.

BARBARA: Certainly is!

HAZEL: What are most looking forward to this season?

BARBARA: Ooh, seeing my little Adrian every game.

HAZEL: Who?

BARBARA: Adrian.

HAZEL: Adrian who?

BARBARA: No.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Not Adrian Who.

HAZEL: Eh? No… Jesus. Who’s Adrian?

BARBARA: Chiles.

HAZEL: Adrian Chiles?

BARBARA: Yep.

HAZEL: You’re excited to see Adrian Chiles?

BARBARA: Yep.

HAZEL: Hate to break it to you, but you won’t be seeing much of him this season.

BARBARA: What? WHY?!

HAZEL: He’s on ITV.

BARBARA: So?

HAZEL: Most games will be on Sky Sports, like this one, or BT Sport.

BARBARA: Oh man! Really?!

HAZEL: Yeah. He’ll be on a few Champions League games though.

BARBARA: REALLY?!

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Phew.

HAZEL: Wh…why do you want to see Adrian Chiles so badly?

BARBARA: During the World Cup he was a daily reminder to tend to my piles.

HAZEL: Oh. Haha. Because of his name?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Adrian Chiles, Piles. Like cockney rhyming slang.

BARBARA: Oh. No.

HAZEL: Why then?

BARBARA: His face. He looks like one of the shitty piles up my arse.

HAZEL: Harsh.

Barbara eats a Cadbury’s Chocolate Finger.

BARBARA: Yep.

© Carl Burkitt 2014