How does one overcome
a big fat gruesome
r
u
n
n
y
bum?
For today’s level of turd
is getting quite absurd
Is there any kind of bum glue
to help prevent a poo through?
Perhaps an anus cap
would hold back the wet crap?
Maybe a wad of blue-tac
could help maintain a clean crack?
What ever it may be
to stop this cruel botty
Give it now
or we’ll alI drown
in a potent sea of rusty brown
© Carl Burkitt 2012
I keep having dreams about you,
But I don’t know what they mean
Like the one I had last night
We kissed by candle light
But when I reached into your trousers, your penis was gone
You looked me in the eye and sang a song
I’m not quite sure what you said but it went on too long
Something about cheddar cheese and Cillit BANG
I think that’s what you sang
But then the doorbell rang
It was your boyfriend coming to collect you
His face was different, like lumps of tissue,
His feet were slugs and he was selling the Big Issue
You looked so pleased to see the old dear
We all went out to grab a beer
My pint was filled with a solitary tear
The landlord had the head of a horse
I made the long face gag, of course
But you flipped out and punched me with force
Your boyfriend pulled your trousers down, your penis was back
He kissed you and fondled your sack
The TV played Art Attack
And I was Neil Buchanan
I keep having dreams about you
But I don’t know what they mean
© Carl Burkitt 2012
My father’s brain sprayed across the floor,
My brother’s guts dripped down the door.
My sister’s limbs scattered around the room,
My mother’s blood gurgled throughout the gloom.
With my family chopped and well and truly diced,
I stared at the chainsaw waiting to be sliced.
Who was this dark stranger who broke into our home,
Stealing my sunshine, destroying my throne.
With evil eyes and a vengeful roar,
The dark stranger fed on hateful gore.
He splashed through my relatives’ blood and sinew,
Screaming: “Satan sent me, he wants to meet you”.
He swung the chainsaw in the air,
“I’ll give you a second to say a final prayer”.
I closed my eyes on that Hallows’ Eve,
And thought of friends, Dave, Jack and Steve.
As I heard the chainsaw’s teeth come close,
I smelled what smelt like burning toast;
‘Hell’s approaching,’ my brain did say,
‘We aren’t escaping, there’s just no way’.
As I waited for the deathly blow,
Amongst the flames appeared a heavenly glow;
A sword-swinging angel shone in the light,
She howled: “I’ve come to put this madness right”.
Her blonde hair glistened as her arms did part,
Then she slid her blade through the dark stranger’s heart.
My savour cackled at her enemy’s end,
And shot me a smile meant for more than a friend.
She whispered a secret I can’t share today,
Helped me to my feet, then drifted away.
I’ll always remember that fateful night,
How could one forget such a gruesome fright;
I thought my life had reached its final scene,
Until I was saved
By my Halloween Queen.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
There was a gardener called Jennie
Whose rap name was Flennie
She loved growing swede
While smoking some weed
And would stab you for only a penny
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Walking through the rain was Nella
So too was a nice looking fella
He shot her a smile
She thought for a while
Then kicked him and stole his umbrella
© Carl Burkitt 2012
“I can’t believe it!” she said. “Uh-huh,” Derek replied. “I promise, Marjorie, it’s not butter.” She bought two tubs.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
The bus drove passed as he used his last bird. “Fuck it,” he sighed as the green pigs chuckled.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
9 bottles of milk sat outside the house. In her 85 years, Mrs Feathersby never owned a cat. And she wasn’t a fan of cereal.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
The two titans battled hard and strong for minutes. Harry tripped and scuffed his Kickers, Billy fell and squashed his Quavers.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Terry finally popped his cherry. He smiled triumphantly at the mess, licked it off his fingers and threw the stone in the bin.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Carl tells tales 