I am a light bulb. When you turn me on I think you look lovely. When you turn me off, I just think about the next time you’ll turn me on. I can’t wait until I die and I feel you again. I hope I don’t hurt you.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
642 Challenge: “Write a story through the eyes of an inanimate object.”
Carrie had eight tentacles.
Eight, full-sized tentacles
just protruding from her body.
Seriously.
Eight full-sized tentacles.
I think I should clarify:
Carrie was not an octopus.
She was a human.
She had arms, legs, ribs, etc.
She just also had eight tentacles.
Eight.
Eight tentacles.
Take a moment to imagine that.
I mean, really think about that.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Ronnie O’Sullivan forgot his cue,
so blew the balls into the pockets.
He got a break of 89.
Not bad.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Reginald sold all of his things and purchased the dilapidated Old Post Office, which he turned into a hotel.
Despite renovation work, the rooms were in terrible condition. But the service was first class!
Unfortunately that wasn’t enough and Reginald’s hotel was closed down by Health and Safety, leaving him homeless after his wife ultimately left him.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The celebrity couple had a baby,
Which was nice,
But they had important jobs
Being famous
So left it with some concerned journalists
Who peeled off its skin,
Took some photos,
And laughed at its stupid insides.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Sean took a selfie
And put it on Tinder.
It was the first time he’d ever
Posted a shot from one of his murders
But he thought he’d listen to his mates
And finally “put himself back out there”.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The man fell asleep.
When he woke up, his mouth was full of fingers.
They weren’t his.
He looked around the carriage and noticed it was empty.
“The next station is Newcastle,” chimmed the announcer.
As he scooped a pinky from his gob, the man felt stupid for missing his stop. Again!
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Benedict was the best tightrope walker in the world. He’d done it all. He’d walked from one side of the Grand Canyon to the other; down the length of the entire River Thames and up Mount Everest (Somehow). But he was bored. He had no challenge to complete, so he thought he’d attempt the impossible: a tightrope walk with no tightrope.
Benedict climbed to the top of his block of flats, gazed out at the London skyline, took one step off the edge and fell to his death. Obviously.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
642 Challenge: “Write about a tightrope walker who falls.”
Finding the set of legs on her driveway was very unsettling for Sian. She wiped the sweat from her brow, scooped up the limbs and chucked them in the bin with the rest of the body. ‘I’d forget my head of it wasn’t screwed on!’ she thought, climbing into her car.
As she pulled away Sian looked in the rearview mirror and, when she spotted the boy’s head on the back seat, absolutely pissed herself laughing.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The boy had a lollipop.
It was so lovely
he ate the stick too.
His mum told him off
and 10 years later
he qualified as a surgeon.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Carl tells tales 