© Carl Burkitt 2017
Hob Nob
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Author Archives: carltellstales
Pinball machine
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Wrong exit
Judy took the wrong exit off the motorway
And drove off the end of the Earth.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
The Lake District ran out of water
The Lake District ran out of water.
The locals started all sorts of rumours as to why.
“Probably Jeff,” said one. “You know what he’s bloody like.”
Poor Jeff was away in France at the time
so couldn’t intervene as his neighbours
besmirched his name
and burnt his house down.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Shirt
The shirt flopped over the ironing board,
Gritted its teeth
And cursed Sunday nights.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Fergus
Fergus: deriving from the Gaelic Feargus;
Composed of Fear meaning Man
And Gus meaning Force.
Fergus the Man. Fergus the Force.
Fergus the Man Force.
The man in the force man. The five foot fourman.
The wannabe hobbit listening to the scoreman.
The Tinderman. The bakerman.
The try to get them in to bed with a poorly cooked sauceman.
The one-haired chestman. The dinosaur fanman.
The retired skaterman come expert on Daliman.
The son of an Irishman. With the voice of a Radio 4man.
The when you really think about it he’s really quite peculiarman.
The birthdayman. The lovelyman.
The dearest friend loved a lot by Jocelynman.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Jocelyn Cox: “My friend Fergus has just completed a course for the Army. He’s not your stereotypical army guy and is comedy gold. Can I have something for his birthday?”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
Things to write in donation comments
OPTION 1
Fundraising = Thumbraising.
OPTION 2
You dun a fing. A real good fing. So here’s some quids. Sum real good quids.
OPTION 3
Ooh, you’re ‘ard.
OPTION 4
“What have you done today, to make you feeeel proud?”…raised dollar, THAT’S WHAT!
OPTION 5
What has two thumbs and upmost respect for what you’re doing?! Someone. Somewhere. Probably.
OPTION 6
Who are you?
OPTION 7
Will you marry me?
OPTION 8
“You (fund)raise me up, so I can stand on mountains. You (fund)raise me up to walk on stormy seas!”
OPTION 9
You won’t BELIEVE what I Googled to end up on this page. Doesn’t bother me though, it’ll still do the job…
OPTION 10
I’m happy to give you this money, but if you don’t complete your challenge: I will find you, and I will kill you.
OPTION 11
My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris. My name’s Chris.
OPTION 12
Are you doing this to prove you’re better than me?
OPTION 13
I don’t think I’ve ever told you how proud I am of you. And I plan to keep it that way.
OPTION 14
Show off.
OPTION 15
Fundraise. Fundphrase. Fundplays. Fundgraze. Fundmaze. Fundpraise. Fundhaze. Fundlaze. Fundsleighs. Fundbraise. Fundneighs. Fundpays.
OPTION 16
You don’t want to know how I got this money. But if anyone asks, you don’t know me. GOOD LUCK!
OPTION 17
Remind me, the next time I see you, to give you back that thing you left at my place. You know. THAT thing.
OPTION 18
OMG U R GR8 BBZ I LUV U MEGA LUV N LOLS N LUV N U R GNA SMSH IT M8 XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
OXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
OPTION 19
I used to be a DJ.
OPTION 20
Money rhymes with Mummy. I love money. I love my Mummy. (And I love your Mummy)
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Chris Hough: “I would like 140 characters on what to write in donation page comments. I always end up writing the same thing.”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
Hangover
The man was big
AND he was clever
so he drank all of the beer
and all of the wine
on planet Earth.
Very big
and very clever,
indeed.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
5 attempts at writing a happy poem
HUMANS
All of the humans died.
But because all of them died,
there was no one around to be sad.
Which was nice.
LIE IN
Jilly woke up approximately
24 hours late for her Friday morning meeting,
which meant…
It was SATURDAAAAAAAAAAY!
She was, of course,
called up and fired,
which meant…
A lie in on MONDAAAAAAAAY!
COUPLES FURAPY
A kitten was born
that could speak English.
It was amazing!
It went door-to-door reassuring cat owners
that independence is a search
for freedom from control,
not freedom from love.
CADBURY WORLD
Cadbury invented healthy chocolate
that tasted exactly like chocolate and
made you skinnier and prettier.
But people didn’t bow to the pressure
to be “perfect” and bought more
happy fat bars.
YEAH!
HAPPY
After nine hundred and thirty million
Five hundred and thirty four thousand
Five hundred and sixty two listens,
Pharrell Williams was still pretty happy.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Tanne Spielman: “Something happy. We could all do with that.”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
#WorldBookDay
Carl tells tales 