Author Archives: carltellstales

Boring things I’ve never had the chance to say to you

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How’s work?
Saw your holiday pics on Facebook. Looked nice.
Where you living now?
Can’t make it tonight but have one for me!
Reckon you could sponsor me?
Your family good?
#WengerIn
I’m alright, not much to report.
Seen anyone from school lately?
Brexit, eh?
I’ll send you the link.
Let’s get something in the diary.
Happy 30th, mate.
I miss you.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Delicate

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Ralph walked home from the shops
clutching a packet of eggs.

As he felt them gently
move around in their container,
with each step he took,
he thought about how delicate life was.

When Ralph tripped over a curb
and smashed every single egg,
he got a call from him mum
to say his dad had died.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The Wrestler – A Nine-Year-Too-Late Review

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Yesterday, Tuesday 22nd August 2017, I watched The Wrestler for the countless time – nine years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

  • Bleak
  • Randy the Ram, The Ayatollah, Billy Bob Banjo, Mr Magnificent: This film has nailed 1980’s wrestler names
  • I will never, ever, ever have even half as good a body that 55-year-old Micky Rourke has in this film
  • Bleak
  • Micky Rourke’s Wikipedia page has a section called “Dogs”, which discusses how many dogs he has and how much he loves his dogs. It’s five paragraphs long.
  • Bleak
  • I’d always heard of the name “Necro Butcher”, but never realised it was the ridiculous chap who fights Randy the Ram in this messy hardcore match
  • Bleak
  • Todd Barry can play an absolute bellend to perfection
  • Bleak
  • I’d watch a two hour film of just Micky Rourke serving people at a deli counter
  • Oh God, the hand
  • Cesaro!
  • Bleak

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Wrestler

Chef – A Three-Year-Too-Late Review

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Yesterday, Tuesday 8th August 2017, I watched Chef for the second time – three years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

  • John Favreau is a joy
  • John Favreau’s character has cool tattoos
  • John Favreau’s character is called Carl
  • I’m called Carl
  • Scarlett Johansson is in this film
  • Angry Dustin Hoffman is adorable
  • I might buy the soundtrack
  • Name me a poor Oliver Platt performance. GO ON!
  • John Favreau loves food and cooking so much he wrote, directed and starred in a film about food and cooking so that he could learn how to cook food to a 5 star standard. Genius. What would I do that with? Wrestling, probably. Or calligraphy. We’ve been waiting for a good calligraphy film since The Pillow Book in 1996. Haven’t seen it.
  • I think I have hair like John Favreau
  • Scarlett Johansson saying: “Carl, you’ve been miserable ever since I’ve known you” weirdly made me a little sad
  • Robert Downey Junior
  • I’ve bought the soundtrack

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Chef