[SHELLEY and MARKF are snuggled up in bed on their 30th wedding anniversary looking over the fading photo album from the big day.]

SHELLEY: I’m sorry, but I have to ask…

MARKF: Go on…

SHELLEY: It’s definitely ‘Markf’?

MARKF: Yepf.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[SWANKY CARMICHAEL and BART BOJANGLES are flicking de-shelled pistachio nuts at each other.]

SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Alright then, Barty. If you’re so in touch with the regular Joseph, how much is a pint of milk these days?

BART BOJANGLES: Easy petits-poisy… 2 million pounds.

SWANKY CARMICHAEL: Dammit, he’s good!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[SUZIE is sitting at her desktop computer, shaking profusely. THE GHOST is hovering on Suzie’s lap.]

THE GHOST: Everything OK, Suzie?

SUZIE: I’ve never bought a train ticket online before.

[The Ghost’s teeth shatter.]

THE GHOST: You’ll be great, hun.

[The Ghost’s hair is essentially just flames at this point.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[BARBARA and JUNE are sitting at the dining table. Barbara has a tea. June does not have a tea. June has a coffee.]

BARBARA: What do you think I’m trying to say when I say, “no”?

JUNE: “Know”?

BARBARA: Exactly!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[It’s half time between the blues and the reds. SPEEDY has Jaffa Cakes.]

SPEEDY: Jaffa Cake?

50p HEAD: Nah, I’m driving.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG has his back to DOUG. Doug is tapping him on the shoulder with his finger.]

DOUG: Can you imagine…

[Doug is holding a box that has bit of tape stuck to it with the words SECURITY SEAL printed on.]

…can you imagine a seal working as a security guard?

A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG: No.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[LILIAN is standing in her kitchen. She’s wearing an apron with the words ‘Just Call Me Jamie Oliver’.]

[Her phone rings. It’s LLEWELLYN, panting.]

LLEWELLYN: How many chicken kievs, again?

LILIAN: Two.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[BIANCA walks into the kitchen. JEREMY is kissing – full on tongues, mind – an unopen can of tuna.]

BIANCA: Alright, Jez?

JEREMY: Yep. You?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[STEWART is making a roast dinner, proof reading an essay, sending an email to the gas company, combing his hair, ironing a shirt, mopping the floor, drafting a sonnet, learning French, doing sit-ups, playing the drums, planting some flowers and designing a new cake in his head.]

[Enter POLLY]

POLLY: Can I help with anything, Stewpot?

STEWART: All gravy, baby.

[Stewart dies]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[JOSHUA and LOUISE are watching one of the Lord of the Rings films. They’re either halfway through the second one or at the end of the third one. They might even be at the beginning of the first one to be honest.]

JOSHUA: Which one’s Grandolf the White?

LOUISE: That one.

JOSHUA: Cool.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024