[LILIAN is standing in her kitchen. She’s wearing an apron with the words ‘Just Call Me Jamie Oliver’.]

[Her phone rings. It’s LLEWELLYN, panting.]

LLEWELLYN: How many chicken kievs, again?

LILIAN: Two.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[BIANCA walks into the kitchen. JEREMY is kissing – full on tongues, mind – an unopen can of tuna.]

BIANCA: Alright, Jez?

JEREMY: Yep. You?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[STEWART is making a roast dinner, proof reading an essay, sending an email to the gas company, combing his hair, ironing a shirt, mopping the floor, drafting a sonnet, learning French, doing sit-ups, playing the drums, planting some flowers and designing a new cake in his head.]

[Enter POLLY]

POLLY: Can I help with anything, Stewpot?

STEWART: All gravy, baby.

[Stewart dies]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[JOSHUA and LOUISE are watching one of the Lord of the Rings films. They’re either halfway through the second one or at the end of the third one. They might even be at the beginning of the first one to be honest.]

JOSHUA: Which one’s Grandolf the White?

LOUISE: That one.

JOSHUA: Cool.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[MILLIE and AMANDA are unnecessarily watering the same houseplant at the same time.]

MILLIE: I’ve been thinking.

AMANDA: Go on.

MILLIE: Do you know what doesn’t get talked about enough?

AMANDA: Cillian Murphy’s portrayal of Jim in Danny Boyle’s 2002 post-apocalyptic horror film 28 Days Later?

MILLIE: Yep!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[DUSTY FIST and THE BUTCHER’S SON are lugging some boxes from a filthy alley behind a warehouse into the back of a battered black 4×4.]

DUSTY FIST: Can I run my latest poem past you?

THE BUTCHER’S SON: Nah.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[MAARK is thinking about playing darts. MUM CALLING appears on his phone screen.]

MUM: Maark!

MAARK: Mum!

MUM: Opera Wine Fry?

[Pause]

Upra Win Three?

[Pause]

Operate Wing Tree?

MAARK: Oprah Winfrey.

MUM: Ta!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

There once was a man called Pete
Who always said things on repeat
His name was Pete
He said things on repeat
There once was a man called Pete

Carl Burkitt 2024

[ERIC is standing in the back garden staring at an apple tree. It’s a big bugger. Chock full of apples.]

ERIC: How long’s this been here?

[SANDRA, Eric’s life partner, is crunching through a recently purchased Pink Lady from the local Waitrose.]

SANDRA: I dunno, 40 years?

[Eric starts doing the maths on his fingers, watching juice and pips fly out of Sandra’s gob.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024

[ALEXANDER is watching the football. HENRY THE FARMER is chewing on a bit of corn, looking at pictures of cows on his phone.]

HENRY THE FARMER: God, I love being a farmer.

ALEXANDER: Yeah, you said.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2024