Greta Thunberg
Turned a light on in her house
To a chorus of boos.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
3/1/20 – Thunberg
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Author Archives: carltellstales
Feathers
If my skin had feathers
I’d take better care of it.
I’d groom as others swooned.
I’d try not to puff my chest out too much.
Hopefully I’d be the kind of
feathered thing that could fly.
I’d giggle at the tickle of my chin
and climb inside pillowcases for tired people.
But not for my wife.
I imagine the downside
to having skin made of feathers
would be my wife being allergic to me.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
New Year’s resolutions
Arthur whizzed 3,500
New Year’s resolutions
up in his brand new blender
(a Christmas present from Mother)
and poured them directly into his mouth
until his stomach burst all over
his filthy little bedroom.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Air Guitar
2/1/20 – Diggs
Taye Diggs
Bought 60 wigs
And placed them down on 60 pigs.
“New Year, new me!” he sang,
Munching down on 60 figs.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Slippers
I slipped my slippers on
and felt the years slip away.
Two aching soles
smiled from toe to toe.
We don’t hug our feet enough
when all they do is hold us up.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1/1/20 – Langella
Frank Langella
Ate only Bonjela.
His mouth was spotless,
But his shits were horrendous.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
31/12/19 – Hopkins
Anthony Hopkins folded napkins
To keep himself busy.
And let me tell you,
The shapes he could make
Were pretty flippin’ whizzy!
He could do dogs and cats
And fancy top hats.
Pretzels and schnitzels
And noses with nostrils.
One day he made a chicken
For his bestest mate Jim,
Who said: “That’s bloody rubbish!”
So Anthony ate him.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
NEW YEAR NEW ME by The X Treems
1. Get A New Job Every Day
2. Learn To Play Guitar With Your Ears
3. Run 500 Million Miles
4. Eat More Fruit Flavoured Chocolate
5. Write A Novel An Hour
6. Learn A New Language To Swear In
7. Get A Mortgage To Buy A Birdhouse
8. Get New Eyes
9. Get A New Face
10. Get A New Head
11. Get New Bones
12. Replace All Your Skin
13. Eat Vegetables Via The Arse
© Carl Burkitt 2019
30/12/19 – Goulding
Ellie Goulding
Recorded a cover
Of one of her own songs.
It sounded exactly the same,
Sold fewer copies
But got her a huge amount of praise.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Carl tells tales 