“How would you like your eggs?
asked the smiley waiter.
“I would LOVE IT if you beat them,”
screamed Kevin Keegan.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
14/2/20 – Keegan
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Author Archives: carltellstales
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Taking chances
Imagine if your reflection was independent,
just hanging out behind the mirror,
swooning, taking chances, eating coconuts,
making different mistakes, upsetting different people,
living the life you were too scared to live.
Would you try and kiss it? I probably would.
It’s embarrassing to say, but I’d love to really
know what kind of a kisser I am.
My reflection looks like a selfish lover
and far less nervous than I feel.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
13/2/20 – Springer
Jerry Springer
Took a solo trip to a remote island.
He dug his feet in the hot sand,
Nibbled a cracked open coconut
And watched the water sit motionless.
He hated every second,
So went to find a couple of
Wild boar to rile up.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Departure
On the packed platform at Vauxhall train station
everyone was looking at me. Absolutely everyone.
My perturbed pupils surveyed the scene I was the star of.
The metal teeth in front of my penis were zipped up,
I was shoulder free of bird bum Tipp-Ex, my moustache
was by no means milked up and not a single bean juice blob
sat on my grey hoodie. Nothing.
But still the anoraked man frowned at my face,
the latte-handed lady tutted at my hair,
the front page Metro celebs judged my tummy.
I turned and rushed away from underneath
the departures board, terribly insecure.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Big by Bo Burnham
Image
12/2/20 – Aronofsky
Darren Aronofsky
Was feeling dead sleepy.
He looked in the mirror
And his eyes were all weepy.
So he scooped them both out
With a painful little shout
And went to bed feeling sexy-creepy.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Extra 24 hours
If the extra 24 hours of a leap year
got spread out across the month of February,
I wonder how we would use them each day.
Maybe we’d look at the shape of clouds a little longer,
take that slight lie in we always want on a week day.
Perhaps we wouldn’t tut when the bus was a minute late
or we’d take daily steps to repair relationships.
We could start that hobby, read that book,
bake that cake, try speaking kindly to ourselves.
If I had an extra hour every day I would probably
read through my Gmail’s ‘Social’ and ‘Promotion’ tabs.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
11/2/20 – Crow
Sheryl Crow
Superglued a papier-mâché beak
To the front of her face and
Stapled a thousand black feathers
Along her arms.
Sure, it really, really hurt,
But it stopped passersby
Asking her why she was eating worms
Every morning in her front lawn.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Sixty thousand thoughts
We have over 60,000 thoughts a day. Peaches.
Did I leave the gas on? What’s she looking at?
What’s he looking at? I don’t have a gas oven.
Apples. Shit shoes. Graeme had nice cheeks.
Sausages. I want a Mars Bar. When did it last snow?
Parkour! Bananarama. My back hurts.
Jim’s forks feel right in my hands. Bacon.
Look left. Look right. Pigeon eggs? Dust is skin.
Last night a DJ saved my life. Cherry yogurt.
I wonder if Scott liked the dumplings. Mini discs.
My name is almost car. Toy Story. Pigs.
Will my baby be able to roll its tongue?
Mmmm Danone.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
