[BRADLEY is watching Homes Under The Hammer on a Tuesday.]

[Enter JOELLE]

JOELLE: Are you wanking?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[EDITH takes 27 minutes to open her front door.]

[HAROLD is standing outside: a smile on his face, a tweed jacket on his back, a brown flat cap on his head, beige linen trousers on his legs and something in his hands.]

EDITH: Are they Hob Nobs?

HAROLD: Milk chocolate ones, yeah.

EDITH: Take your pants off.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JEFF is standing in his top floor study, staring at the bookshelf.]

JEFF: Blimey. There’s a lot of books. I mean, not just here but, in the world. You know? There are so many books. There are so many books that no matter how many books I read I will never even make a dent in the amount of books there are. I mean, I will read a fair amount of books before I die, but there are just too many books to read all the book, you know? I can’t even begin to imagine how many books there are.

[SUE, Jeff’s wife, slaps the downstairs bannister with her tennis racket.]

SUE: [Off stage] Seen my mints?

JEFF: I don’t think so.

SUE: Got them.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SIOBHAN swings the kitchen door open with gusto. She observes the carefully curated plates of food by DENNY and puts her hands on her hips.]

SIOBHAN: Salmon…again?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

DENNY: It’s beef.

SIOBHAN: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[ROSE is eating a choc ice in her garden. MARLON is eating two.]

MARLON: Gosh, the moon’s out early today.

ROSE: That’s the sun.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DOUG is looking out the window as The Red Arrows (officially known as the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team) fly over the house in a perfectly formed V-shape.]

[A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG is looking at the rug on the floor.]

DOUG: What do you think it feels like to be a fighter pilot?

A MAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE DOUG: Probably.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[HARPER is taking the bins out.]

HARPER: I bloody love taking the bins out.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[PLANK is looking a little cheeky. LILY is yawning.]

PLANK: Fancy doing something extreme? I was thinking of-

LILY: Christ yes! S&M? Swinging? Bareknuckle boxing? Badger baiting? Driving the car into the quarry? Telling your Mum what we did? Punching a fox? Swearing at a Priest? I’m PUMPED!

[Pause]

Sorry, what were you thinking of doing?

[PLANK reveals an open pot of Sour Cream and Chive Pringles.]

PLANK: …eating two at a time…

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[NIA and FORGETFUL FRANCIS are in the kitchen ready to make a good old spaghetti Bolognese for dinner.]

NIA: Did you remember to buy the spaghetti, chopped tomatoes, minced meat, onions, garlic, carrots, basil, celery, olive oil, stock and tomato puree?

FORGETFUL FRANCIS: Nope.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DOT is nibbling a homemade sandwich next to her wife PIPPA.]

DOT: I absolutely adore this new bread you’ve made.

PIPPA: Why don’t you marry it?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025