Jerry Springer
Took a solo trip to a remote island.
He dug his feet in the hot sand,
Nibbled a cracked open coconut
And watched the water sit motionless.
He hated every second,
So went to find a couple of
Wild boar to rile up.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
On the packed platform at Vauxhall train station
everyone was looking at me. Absolutely everyone.
My perturbed pupils surveyed the scene I was the star of.
The metal teeth in front of my penis were zipped up,
I was shoulder free of bird bum Tipp-Ex, my moustache
was by no means milked up and not a single bean juice blob
sat on my grey hoodie. Nothing.
But still the anoraked man frowned at my face,
the latte-handed lady tutted at my hair,
the front page Metro celebs judged my tummy.
I turned and rushed away from underneath
the departures board, terribly insecure.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Darren Aronofsky
Was feeling dead sleepy.
He looked in the mirror
And his eyes were all weepy.
So he scooped them both out
With a painful little shout
And went to bed feeling sexy-creepy.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
If the extra 24 hours of a leap year
got spread out across the month of February,
I wonder how we would use them each day.
Maybe we’d look at the shape of clouds a little longer,
take that slight lie in we always want on a week day.
Perhaps we wouldn’t tut when the bus was a minute late
or we’d take daily steps to repair relationships.
We could start that hobby, read that book,
bake that cake, try speaking kindly to ourselves.
If I had an extra hour every day I would probably
read through my Gmail’s ‘Social’ and ‘Promotion’ tabs.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Sheryl Crow
Superglued a papier-mâché beak
To the front of her face and
Stapled a thousand black feathers
Along her arms.
Sure, it really, really hurt,
But it stopped passersby
Asking her why she was eating worms
Every morning in her front lawn.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
We have over 60,000 thoughts a day. Peaches.
Did I leave the gas on? What’s she looking at?
What’s he looking at? I don’t have a gas oven.
Apples. Shit shoes. Graeme had nice cheeks.
Sausages. I want a Mars Bar. When did it last snow?
Parkour! Bananarama. My back hurts.
Jim’s forks feel right in my hands. Bacon.
Look left. Look right. Pigeon eggs? Dust is skin.
Last night a DJ saved my life. Cherry yogurt.
I wonder if Scott liked the dumplings. Mini discs.
My name is almost car. Toy Story. Pigs.
Will my baby be able to roll its tongue?
Mmmm Danone.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Fingernail On The Head
2. Saw Arse
3. Pros and Concrete
4. Hammer Hands
5. Cheap Drills
6. Knob The Builder
7. Does What It Says On The Tinny
8. Deep Screwdriver
9. NUTS And Bolts
10. Bristle While We Work
11. Brick Head
12. DIY Always Me?
13. Wallpaper Over The Cracks
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Elizabeth Banks
Treated herself to a trip
To HSBC
Then NatWest
Then Lloyds TSB
Then Santander
Then Halifax
Then Barclays
And nicked a little pen
From all the bastards.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
A nine-year-old asks a 12-year old
Why do you use a fork like that? Are you stupid?
A waiter has a seed in his front two teeth.
My finger pops through the toilet roll.
A two hour train journey gets slowed
into a four hour train journey.
I go up a notch on my decade old belt.
A woman crosses the road when the man is red.
I lose a tenner and then find it in my wallet.
A pigeon slips off a kerb.
I finally understand Finding Nemo’s
‘Mild Peril’ classification.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Carl tells tales 