Justin Bieber
Sat down to write a new song.
The first verse went:
“Girl, I like your fingers.
They’re all soft, like life.
You could be my wife
With those fingers you got.
You know the ones,
The ones in your trifle,
I like ’em a lot.”
He was thrilled with it.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
I spent last night on a slowly deflating air bed.
I was a broken plank in the ocean,
a fly in a slowly stirred soup,
the last bag on an airport conveyor belt.
My dreams were my awakes.
I felt like a slow motion action star
from the 70s falling from a cliff,
Tom Daley diving through custard,
the last seed to be found in a receding gum,
a helium balloon destined for the sun.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
A right proper quest
Of magic, adventure and
A face full of tears.
#HaikuReview | Carl Burkitt
Ja Rule had one rule
And that rule was:
“Jars are for Stars,
Rules are for fools.”
Which technically
Meant he was a fool.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
I’m stood between two men. The shoulders of
the guy to my left are almost wider than a door,
the man on my right has a chair-sized head.
The conversational jigsaw pieces they’re throwing
around the lift build the picture that they’re
colleagues on their way to a 4th floor meeting.
I forgot my laptop! Shoulders says.
Christ, me too! Head says. Dan’s gonna kill us.
The nervous silence is unbearable.
Just knock him out, I try, chuckling.
No way, Head says. You should see the size of him.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Jake Bugg
Held his mugg,
Staring at the stained rugg.
His dogg
Rubbed against his legg
But Jake Bugg didn’t budgge.
He was fixated on the rugg,
And the lack of tea in his mugg.
His Mum was ggonna kill himgg.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Jake Bugg
Held his mugg,
Staring at the stained rugg.
His dogg
Rubbed against his legg
But Jake Bugg didn’t budgge.
He was fixated on the rugg,
And the lack of tea in his mugg.
His Mum was ggonna kill himgg.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
I just drank a cup of water
that tasted like onions.
Half a pint of dinner-prep tears.
If onions could cry, would you cut them?
I once cried peeling potatoes.
It was a Monday,
the living room was full,
I just wanted to be useful.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Josh Groban
Tore his scrotum
Reaching a high note.
It felt pretty good,
So he did all he could
To tear it again
But he just burst his throat.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
I got egg on me was a sentence I said today
to a man in the top tax bracket.
I wonder how many eggs he’s bought in his life.
I bet his past is an eggshell massacre,
his wheelie bin a Red Lion graveyard,
his kitchen a haunted house of yolk ghosts.
I bet the man has had more eggs than oxygen,
he just doesn’t wear them on his clothes.
© Carl Burkitt 2020
Carl tells tales 