Gary Lineker
Poured vinegar into each ear
And sang, in a high-pitched squeal,
I’m a crisp, a crisp,
A big, fat, tasty crisp.
As soon as the director yelled, Cut!,
Gary sprinted to his trailer
And over-head kicked some prawn cocktail
Across the room into his son’s gob.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Anna Faris
Collected Ferrets,
But only from Paris.
She gave them names
Like ‘Eif-ferret Tower’
And ‘The Arc de Triomphe-rret’
And ‘Notre-Dame That’s a Good Looking Ferret’.
It was harmless fun.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Karen Gillan would often miss Matt Smith.
She’d do stuff like pretend a wardrobe
Was a TARDIS, climb in and whisper,
Hello, Doctor.
She upset many IKEA customers.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Bill Nye,
(Not Bill Nighy)
Bill Nye, the Science Guy,
(Not Bill Nighy, the actor)
Bill Nye, N.Y.E.,
(Not Bill Nighy, N.I.G.H.Y)
Bill Nye,
Bill Nye, the Science Guy,
Bill Nye, the Science Guy, N.Y.E
Loved New Years Eve.
He never knew why…
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Rita Ora
Saw an orca
Soaring over
Something it shouldn’t
Have oughta.
It was pretty awful,
If being truthful.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
1. Everything Is Boring
2. I Wish I Had HD Eyes
3. Me, Myself and iPhone
4. First Ever Birdsong
5. Ha, Twitter. I Get It.
6. Dancing To Birdsong
7. I Understand The Lyrics To Birdsong
8. I Want To Be Birdsong
9. Birdsong
10. Birdsong Part II
11. How Does One Marry A Birdsong?
12. I Think I Just Kissed A Birdsong
13. BIRDSONGBIRDSONGBIRDSONG
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Bruno Tonioli
Smiled at his bookshelf of birthday cards.
I’d like to see those idiot celebrities
Get a score that high,
He cackled.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Colin Hanks got fed up
Of being asked How’s your dad?
So he changed his name to Tom Hanks.
That way, when anyone asked,
How’s your dad?
He could say, I’m fine thanks.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Kelly Brook would often get asked
What are you up to these days, Kel?
She really enjoyed messing with people.
I’m a vampire! she might say. Or
I’m a pretty keen lumberjack! Or
I just can’t stop collaging! Or
I’ve been doing a lot of murders!
You know, harmless gags.
When, in fact, she was a presenter
On the Heart London drive show.
Interesting, eh?
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Scarlett Johansson
Became a stonemason.
She enjoyed sculpting the heads
Of people she’d worked with over the years.
You know, the likes of Bill Murray,
Jon Favreau, Rebecca Hall, Jennifer Aniston.
But her favourite to make was Mark Ruffalo
Because he had the same birthday as her!
Each year she would craft his handsome head
And smash it to a million pieces.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Carl tells tales 