Cornwall. 16th June 2014. 19.30pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, looks at Hazel, 94, deep in thought.

HAZEL: The Hazelnuts! Yes, that’s it. If I ran a country the football team’s nickname would be the Hazelnuts.

BARBARA: The Hazelnuts…?

HAZEL: Yeah

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: WHAT?!

BARBARA: That’s so shit! HAHAHAHA!

HAZEL: Shut up!

BARBARA: HAHAHAHA!

HAZEL: Fine, go on then, what would your team’s nickname be?

Barbara wipes a tear from her eye.

BARBARA: Hazelnuts, haha, oh my word.

HAZEL: Come on then, I’m listening. What would they be called?

BARBARA: Easy. The Super Eagles. I love eagles and my team would be super.

HAZEL: Nigeria are called the Super Eagles.

BARBARA: OK, well, as my family are part Persian and we’re rather patriotic, I’d called them Team Melli – that stands for The National Team, just so you know.

HAZEL: I do know, because that’s the nickname for Iran.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: HA! Not as easy as it looks, is it?!

BARBARA: I’ve got one!

HAZEL: Yes…?

BARBARA: The Retina Flobbers

HAZEL: Eh?

Barbara laughs as she spits a massive greenie deep into Hazel’s left eye.

© Carl Burkitt 2014