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Grounded
He woke up with four legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He took himself for a walk, had a wee on a tree and slept in the front room.
He woke up with eight legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He climbed up the door frame, spun a web and slept beneath the moon.
He woke up with sixteen legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He scuttled up a tree, curled up on a leaf and slept in a cocoon.
He woke up with two wings.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he hated it.
He refused to fly, snapped them off and slept until the end of time.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Forward
Today I’m looking forward.
I’m not moving my head.
At all.
I’m locking my neck.
I’m locking my eyes.
I plan on doing this all day.
If you’re to my left, move right a bit.
If you’re to my right, move left a bit.
I mean it.
Today I’m looking forward.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
One Dot Cotton
Dot Cotton appeared on the TV, halfway through an episode of Eastenders.
“There’s only one Dot Cotton!” sang Jimmy. “One Dot Cooootton-”
“Shut up Jimmy,” said Debbie.
“There’s only one Dot Cotton!”
“I’m trying to watch this, Jimmy!”
“ONE DOT COTTON! THERE’S ONLY ONE DOT COTTON!”
“Jimmy!”
“ONE DOT COOOOTTON-”
The scene with Dot Cotton ended as the TV was filled with a bunch of Mitchells. Jimmy stopped singing.
“She’s such a legend,” said Jimmy.
“Yeah, she’s alright,” said Debbie. “Now shut up!”
“Alright? ALRIGHT? Debbie, she’s an absolute icon. Ever since she appeared in episode 40 on 4th July 1985, Dorothy Cotton – officially Dot Branning after her wedding to Jim Branning, Rest In Peace – she’s been a staple of British culture.”
“Yeah, I know, sshh-”
“Seriously. The ups and downs that woman’s had over the years. The terrible, oppressive, cheating ex-husband of hers, a diagnosis of kidney cancer, finding an abandoned baby at church, the moral quandary of her best friend Ethel asking Dot to assist her with euthanasia, the loss of countless loved ones…”
“Yeah, tough-”
“And that’s not even mentioning being constantly let down by her violent, insidious, villainous son Nick! All she does is love and love and love that horrible little sod and he’s forever threatening, intimidating and letting her down.”
“Yep. I’m really trying to wat-”
“Plus, she’s an absolute stunner.”
“Yeah. Wait. What?”
“She’s absolutely bloody gorgeous.”
“Well, yeah, I guess for 82-”
“Nah, Debbie, for any age. Love me some Dot Cotton!”
Dot Cotton re-entered the scene.
“THERE’S ONLY ONE DOT COTTON!” sang Jimmy. “ONE DOT COOOOTTON-”
Debbie turned the channel over to a re-run of the previous night’s Coronation Street. 78-year-old Ken Barlow was talking to a friend.
“PHOAR,” said Jimmy. “THERE’S ONLY ONE KEN BARLOW. ONE KEN BAAAARLOW!”
Debbie tip-toed out of the house, deciding to give Jimmy “a little space”.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Will: “Anything, just as long as you include one Dot Cotton…”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
#NationalToastDay
Ran away
The day ran away from Matt.
It ran straight into the night.
A place it knew Matt would never follow.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Safety net
When Edith’s husband died so too did her safety net. At the ripe old age of 85, she was left alone in Slough staring into the face of her unlived dreams.
After a glass of sherry and an evening of soul-searching Edith, armed only with her favourite book of wildlife photography and a tear in her eye, moved to New Zealand.
The flight was gruelling. The train was a disaster. The taxi was stuffy. But once she reached her fantasy home, nothing mattered.
It was everything she’d ever wanted.
She was blown away by the silence of her surroundings. She couldn’t believe her eyes as the mountains rolled, the trees swayed and the sun grinned like they were showing off for a brochure. And when the wildlife made itself known to her, Edith was positively giddy.
The Long-tailed Bats had her smiling from ear to ear. The Kiwis caught her cooing with delight. The Geckos saw her skipping with glee.
But when she saw the peculiar Kakapo with its owl-like face and podgy parrot body, she was completely taken by it.
I mean literally. She was literally taken by a Kakapo.
Within roughly five minutes of landing in her new life, the local giant Kakapo plodded along and grabbed her. Being the world’s only flightless parrot, the Kakapo was forced to engulf Edith in its massive wings and drag her up the nearest cliff. After 45 minutes of this torture, the bird reached the 100 foot peak and chucked her off the edge.
Splat.
Done.
Dead.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Erin Bolens: “Could I have a little New Zealand related something? I’m particularly taken by the Kakapo (owl parrot).”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
Valentine’s people
Verity felt great.
She loved the feel of her skin,
so instead of stepping out of the house
she spent the night in.
(So to speak.)
***
Andy bought plants
for everyone in his street
and decided to deliver them door-to-door.
Getting the cactus through
Cameron’s letterbox was tough,
but the bare-footed screams
were worth the wait.
***
Lee licked his lollipop and handed it to Leanne.
Leanne shoved it deep into her left eye
before the couple laughed
their way to Specsavers.
***
Eve ate Darren’s chips.
Darren ate Eve’s wafer.
Just like any other night.
***
Nick pressed play on his laptop
and left the door ajar.
***
Tony posted 75 selfies.
He liked number 36 the best.
It captured his worst side perfectly.
***
Iris eyed up Irene.
Irene returned the favour.
Iris offered Irene an ice cream.
Irene slipped her gnashers out and gobbled it whole.
Iris brushed Irene’s hair.
Irene purred.
Iris lay down.
Irene joined her.
Iris woke up.
Tears filled her eyes.
***
Nora received a homemade, heart-shaped card.
The intricate details of the atria and ventricles
made her vomit absolutely everywhere.
***
Eric was finally granted a date.
45 years.
45 years of hard graft it took.
So it’s safe to say
his sudden death
was a right pain in the arse.
***
Sue sued her dating agency
on the grounds “kinky, up for a laugh, male”
was far too related to her.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Energy
The secret of change is to focus
all of your energy,
not on fighting the old
but on building the new.
Socrates said that.
A philosopher.
Therefore it must be true.
Right?
So I left my baggage at the door
and focused on unpacking our new.
I stripped away my anxieties
and gave up doubting myself.
I gave permission to make decisions
that bettered me and my mental health.
But that’s not always easy.
I was scared to break what we started.
The fear of pausing the vibrations
made me pause with hesitation but
Everything is energy
and that’s all there is to it.
Match the frequency
of the reality
you want
and you cannot help
but get that reality.
Einstein said that.
A scientist.
Therefore it must be true.
Right?
So I set my frequency to you.
Energy attracts similar energy
so I took to smiling like you do.
I flowed like you flowed
and tried to shine bright
as I did so.
I opened my eyes
and was hypnotised
with the energy you brought to my life.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
Brief by Rodean: “A poem about energy for my girlfriend. About how energy draws people together.”
This piece was written as a part of a fundraising project for Rethink Mental Illness, where I’m inviting people to set me any writing brief in exchange for donations.
Read all of the details here and if you’d like to get involved, email ca.burkitt@gmail.com or Tweet @CarlBurkitt!
Carl tells tales 