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Category Archives: Teeny tiny tales

In 2012 The Guardian challenged authors to write a novel in 140 characters or less. I gave it a go and have continued to churn some out every now and then…

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Bad workmen

Posted on February 15, 2016 by carltellstales
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Ronnie O’Sullivan forgot his cue,
so blew the balls into the pockets.

He got a break of 89.

Not bad.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Posted in Teeny tiny tales | Leave a reply

Revenant

Posted on January 12, 2016 by carltellstales
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Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. The year was 2213 and he looked terrible.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

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January diet

Posted on January 4, 2016 by carltellstales
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Noddy Holder climbed back into his cave,
Nibbling on his royalties.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

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Dedication

Posted on January 3, 2016 by carltellstales
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The paperboy forgot his papers so whispered the news through every letterbox. It took 4 weeks and he didn’t get laid once.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

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Work ethic

Posted on January 3, 2016 by carltellstales
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The lazy man wrote a story. It had a beginning and a middle.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

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Neighbour from hell

Posted on October 18, 2015 by carltellstales
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The block of flats was silent.

Josh farted.

64 lights flicked on and at least three texts were drafted.

© Carl Burkitt 2015

Posted in Poems, Teeny tiny tales | Leave a reply

Not fussy

Posted on September 8, 2015 by carltellstales
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The tattoo artist tattooed a girlfriend on his arm.

‘Hmm,’ he thought. ‘I always imagined I’d end up with a blonde.’

© Carl Burkitt 2015

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Truth behind the tale

Posted on August 11, 2015 by carltellstales
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“Nice outfit,” smiled Mr Twit.

“Fuck you,” said Mrs Twit, as they entered the divorce court.

© Carl Burkitt 2015

642 Challenge: “Nice outfit…”

Posted in 642 challenge, Teeny tiny tales | Leave a reply

It’s only a game, so

Posted on July 30, 2015 by carltellstales
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John Virgo poked his peas sporadically around his plate and sighed about the ‘good old days’.

© Carl Burkitt 2015

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The saddest text message in the world

Posted on June 29, 2015 by carltellstales
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I love you 😦

© Carl Burkitt 2015

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Stuff I done wrote

  • Exclamation
  • Conference table
  • Make yourself at home
  • The mornings begin
  • Excuses
  • Sick
  • Fall
  • If you ever bump into your tonsillitis again
  • The Legend
  • Over the last seven days
  • The outer packaging is 100% collapsible
  • Fever dream
  • Goal bonus
  • Dog waste accepted
  • Lacrosse stick
  • Skin
  • Approaching Cilla Black’s backpack
  • That’s a poem
  • Empty
  • At the circus
  • The kind of day
  • I could go on all day about the lack of manners in Peppa Pig
  • Waiting for something
  • Marauding terrorist attacks and defibrillators
  • In the wild
  • We’ve not had a chance to discuss our ailments yet
  • Applaud
  • I am writing this poem about cornflakes
  • My name’s Lucian and I have a Google Pixel
  • Crumbs
  • The kind of man
  • Nothing
  • Slowly becoming a local
  • Monthly meet up
  • Warning: Shallow Water
  • There’s a ghost in the flat
  • When small talk starts
  • Too cool to wipe his piss off the public toilet seat
  • Shot
  • “He wants to sew his penis to his ankle”
  • The weight
  • The online article told him to get busy
  • Order
  • On top of one another
  • I can’t imagine having nothing to tell you
  • The kind of day
  • You’re more than welcome
  • New customer
  • I’ve known him for over 50 years and I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather punch in the head
  • Give me the confidence of a man who knows what to do
  • Toddler at the dentist
  • ASDA keeps moving their eggs
  • Chick‘n’Mix
  • “I’m going to work”
  • “I’m a snake”
  • We’re separated in the supermarket and my phone has no signal
  • “I’m a digger”
  • I’m talking to a man
  • The prick in the petrol station
  • Time with you
  • Don’t take that away
  • What a cross
  • Some believe
  • Kick off
  • Everyday
  • Chester Birming
  • Massage the heart, gently
  • Sympathy
  • A ghost is using the hand dryer
  • Storm
  • Putting a letter in a post box
  • I’m having a shower with a toy bin lorry
  • Snoring
  • The struggle he has to overcome
  • Running with no headphones
  • Oh, Man
  • Watching
  • Flight
  • Christmas tree in January
  • A stroke of tonsillitis
  • She is screaming for her Dad
  • Charity shop on 2nd January
  • Cold
  • Karaoke every Sunday with our very own Geoff
  • Does Father Christmas Play Football?
  • Sleep
  • Woodworker of the Year
  • Emergency Late Night December GP Appointment
  • The Week the Tubes of Pringles Just Live on the Dining Table
  • The Anatomy of a Christmas Tree
  • They just
  • The seed grew teeth
  • Did Shakespeare invent football?
  • Christmas Cracker Hat Game
  • Eve
  • Out Of Office
  • Christmas Haircut
  • If your misdemeanours came to light, would you be ashamed?
  • Is it OK if I stroke your dog?
  • The Price of Haddock
  • The radio says that more people have been on the moon than completed Takeshi’s Castle
  • Cracker
  • Bubba at Number 28
  • Cancelled Christmas Do
  • Worlds apart
  • A While Ago, Now
  • Unopened Christmas Card
  • Greggs Vegan Festive Bake
  • Christmas Looks Good on You
  • Snowing on the Morning of an England World Cup Quarter Final
  • Penguin on a Tree
  • Playmobil Nativity Scene
  • Catching Up
  • The plumber is listening to Coldplay
  • No Cushion
  • Scene
  • T-Rex
  • Fairy Lights in the Shopping Precinct
  • Festive latte
  • I don’t enjoy spending time with him. He’s too simple.
  • I nod
  • Paul Scholes says he actually liked playing on the left for England
  • Floats
  • You open the door
  • He said he was going to grab a yogurt for the road
  • Explode
  • Hello?
  • Next to me
  • There is a lion in the quiet carriage
  • Eating Stars
  • Preparation
  • I got a taxi to the health centre then another taxi to the shops
  • The importance of feeling
  • How to Become a Magician by Moose Allain
  • He lives with a trapeze artist
  • There’s a whale in the farm
  • An evening with former England manager Kevin Keegan
  • Dadbot
  • POTATOES!
  • Who cares
  • Pick and mix
  • Standing around the café toilets
  • We’re seeing so many people die we should just do what we want whenever we want
  • Local Pumpkins
  • My eyes
  • An interaction
  • Yellow
  • The old house with the blue door
  • We try again tomorrow
  • Asleep,
  • Special
  • Long-tailed Tit
  • War cry
  • Greenfinch
  • Goldfinch
  • Productivity
  • Fingers
  • Too thick, too raw
  • Chutneys
  • Private
  • The caterpillar and the penguin
  • Subconscious seasoning
  • Barn Owl
  • Blackbird
  • Sparrowhawk
  • House Sparrow
  • Green Woodpecker
  • Linnet
  • Chaffinch
  • The difficult bits
  • I am a pirate again
  • The fit boy at school just got married
  • Meaning
  • Who knows?
  • He has a Twix and tiramisu every day, and at least four Müller Corners
  • Service
  • Heathpark House
  • The National Express misses me
  • The angels are roaring so loud
  • Adults in the soft play
  • Eggs, where are you?
  • The shoulders of soldiers
  • The River Tay
  • Must Eat Chip Shop
  • You are now entering Stanley
  • A potato with shoulders
  • There is an old man in the back of the car
  • Turn the stars on
  • James Brown is buried in Plymouth
  • I blink
  • We could
  • A memory
  • You’ll grow up with different stamps
  • Will I have the courage to reject Sambuca at 82?
  • Lamer
  • Bohemian Barbers
  • Undodgeable
  • The 8:28am to Mansfield
  • Viking
  • Transfer Deadline Day
  • Fudge in a garden centre
  • Puffins galore
  • Look at that little boy
  • What do you want to be when you grow up?
  • Little piggies
  • It’s a foul, of course it’s a foul. You can’t do that.
  • Subplot
  • Kim Kardashian is bringing back the side part
  • Space Bastard
  • As good today as it’s always been
  • Golden hour
  • I❤️EGGS
  • Tying shoelaces with my nephew
  • The hyenas are in the sea
  • I am Rocky Balboa running
  • Day after day
  • She calls me Craig
  • Watching him
  • It’s 20 minutes before we’re supposed to be at a wedding and I’m pretending to water the flowers with a turned off hose
  • A Few Minutes In Barnardo’s
  • Picking a punnet of cherries outside a greengrocer’s at midnight
  • Jacqueline Wilson: Independent Funeral Service
  • A quick chat
  • Bang
  • Hard
  • I am a pink bean bag
  • Making connections
  • Have a lovely holiday if I don’t see you
  • Couple in the petrol station
  • Wake up
  • Cookies for the office
  • Hiya!
  • I’d like to couple up with this boy because
  • Into the park
  • Today
  • Don’t slap the papaya
  • You don’t know how fucking generous you are
  • Dave saw a lizard
  • Croissants in a hire car
  • I’ve got good eyes, a great pancreas and a terrible heart
  • If we can avoid needing a Carl, that would be great
  • People say
  • Ibuprofen and a Basil Plant
  • Soap
  • It won’t work
  • Your body is going to die your body is going to die your body is going to die
  • So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
  • We’re usually just so stressed we buy fish and chips
  • Hot air
  • Lessons learned
  • Ash
  • I felt the sickness behind my eyes
  • Colin
  • Smallsteps and Sideways
  • Ronnie O’Sullivan is
  • Paul
  • This one’s for Ben
  • Jelly Babies on a cliffside
  • My favourite noise is the OOH! someone makes after stopping themselves from falling over on a wet rock
  • Rich
  • A puddle wearing waterproofs
  • Uniform
  • The sunshine works in a Gretna café
  • There’s a barbershop at Lymm Services
  • I clicked ‘yes’ when the ATM asked if I wanted an advice slip
  • Action
  • Wonky
  • Reliable
  • An art gallery made up of supermarket cereal shelves
  • Different Saturdays
  • An idea
  • Pedestrians have priority
  • I’m watching two old blokes
  • How is he in himself?
  • Cleaning an open window
  • Advertise your brand on this roundabout
  • We are broadcasting live from Ibiza
  • The beginning
  • Parallel
  • Flat
  • Hi, this is Victoria from One Life. Am I speaking to Carl? Oh, great. Tell me, when the time comes, will it be a burial or a cremation?
  • Don’t forget to be a good boy
  • Beef
  • This is the closest I’ve ever been to a peregrine falcon
  • ‘You forget where you put things, don’t you?’
  • One in five people is ‘highly sensitive’. Are you?
  • You’re never far from your local Jewson
  • I really appreciate you keeping me in the loop, mate
  • I’m a boring professor with a husband and three lovers
  • English Breakfast 3-5m
  • We don’t mind
  • Sun’s out, son’s out
  • Slide
  • The Smile
  • The football boot
  • Spring by Jack Underwood
  • It’s simple enough
  • The Gongoozlers
  • I like watching kids cry in football stadiums
  • I think my favourite thing
  • Is your truck ready to retire?
  • Editor’s Pick
  • A guide to warm days
  • Back on the horse
  • There are no toilets in Corby train station
  • HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY
  • Cat
  • Nuance
  • Goal
  • 023 – available if unoccupied
  • How much do you know about AI?
  • Pig
  • The overhead projector monitor
  • Unused toilet rolls
  • Away
  • One night
  • SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
  • Your smile is our reputation
  • Useless is
  • The consequences of feeling sexy
  • Corner
  • On the inside
  • A banana skin
  • Welcome to weather
  • Near a milkman
  • Where to?
  • Empty jars
  • E-Cyclist
  • I saw you running the other day
  • 1039
  • Dogs in the chicken shop
  • Watch your eyes
  • Another world
  • What can I see?
  • If you need me
  • Chimply
  • Full of smiles
  • Holding
  • A quick note
  • Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
  • Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
  • Those retro Coca Cola glasses
  • Both sides of the road
  • Come on, little chickens
  • Captain America is in the chip shop
  • He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
  • Friends of mine are becoming Heads
  • The next time I fall over
  • She had an egg and a hash brown every day
  • Settling in

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