[DARIUS remembers he needs to buy some new underwear. Darius buys some new underwear online.]
DARIUS: I just remembered I needed to buy some new underwear. Then I bought some new underwear online.
[No one answers as Darius lives alone because Darius is, truthfully, quite dull to be around.]
DARIUS: I can’t wait to see my new underwear when it arrives from the online store.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[MICKY’S PIG is also Micky’s wife.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[PETE walks into the dentist’s office. THE RECEPTIONIST blows a ginormous bubble of bubble gum.]
PETE: Hi, I’ve got an appointment at 3pm.
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your surname?
PETE: Casio.
RECEPTIONIST: First name?
PETE: Pete.
RECEPTIONIST: Pete Cas-
PETE: YEP!
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[A MAN is walking down the street. A MAN WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM approaches.]
MAN: Whoa.
MAN WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM: Whoa.
[Turns out they also sound the same.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[JEREMIAH is standing in his living room. He hears a tap running in a different room.]
JEREMIAH: Can someone turn that tap off?
[Jeremiah remembers he lives alone and that noise is him urinating on the coffee table.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[A POLE VAULTER pole vaults all the way over the bar and to moon.
She absolutely destroys the world record!
The Olympic crowd is stunned, to say the least.]
POLE VAULTER: AAAARRGGGGH!!!!
[She screams constantly until starved of oxygen in space.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[MOE can smell sausages.
Moe remembers he’s cooking sausages.
Moe laughs.
Moe hates sausages.
Moe has no idea what’s going on.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
The dude casually eating fish and chips on a park bench during his lunch break will rush to stop the smoke alarm’s beep from waking his newborn at night. The woman shouting at a client down the phone in the quiet carriage will tend to her hydrangeas. The geezer crying in the pub will buy a share bag of Fruit Pastilles. The toddler covered in urine will put up its own shelves after its divorce. The smiling bus driver will call 999 on a neighbour for moving his bins. The writer writing about a life-changing death from the past will write about a life-changing death in the future. The pensioner being feed a cheese toastie by her son will laugh at the terrible acting and gore in horror films in bed.
Carl Burkitt 2025
Sonder is the feeling when you realise everyone you see, everyone who passes you by, has their own complex lives.
I would never
switch off your Championship Manager game
without asking if you’ve saved it
or turn the volume down
of your David Gray White Ladder album
without asking you to do so first
or interrupt your GSCE maths revision
without asking if you have a minute,
but please at least pretend to listen to me
when I tell you a girl will kiss you one day
and make you and your son a Black Forest cake,
just because.
Carl Burkitt 2025
Enouement is the wish that you could go back in time and tell your past self about the future.
Frustration appears
like a hole in a sock
you’ve never worn before
during a funeral
you’ve been asked to speak at
for someone you didn’t like
during an FA Cup Final
your team will definitely win
on the hottest day of the year
and your funeral shoes are new
so you’re getting a blister
on the toe sticking out the hole
and everything dies
and you get the picture.
Carl Burkitt 2025
Carl tells tales 