[MINK and FLORG are on a blind date.]

MINK: Hi, Florg.

FLORG: It’s pronounced Florg.

MINK: Florg.

FLORG: Florg.

MINK: Florg?

FLORG: That’s it! Well done, Mink.

MINK: It’s pronounced Greg.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[REGINALD is on the toilet. He reaches for the toilet roll.]

REGINALD: Uh oh.

[Yep, no toilet roll.]

REGINALD: No toilet roll.

[Told ya.]

[Reginald decides to reach for *&%$£$ and shove it £$£%^&^ and wipe the &^*^$$ and ends up with *&^&%$% and then $£%$%&&.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

but you gave me an iced gem after school today
so I could remember what they taste like because,
“This morning, Daddy, you told me
you haven’t had one since you were little”
and all I thought of was the thousands of pounds
I’ve spent on therapy just to be seen.

Carl Burkitt 2025

Your innocence passed its MOT again.
The mechanic used the word ‘perfect’, in fact.
For another year we will not need to worry
about your imagination working or the speed
of your acceleration from bored to excited.
I look at your eyes and cannot picture the light
dimming, or the rounded strength of your shoulders
dipping. The mechanic told us to look out for signs
of pulling away too soon, your handbrake locking,
or the unexpected rust of anxiety setting in.
So we promise to examine that during scrub downs
and remind you of the power that lies in your engine.

Carl Burkitt 2025

After David Eagleman

In the afterlife, the fingers on your hands are not yours. The ones on your left hand are the fingers of the person you treated with the most love and affection when alive. The ones on the right are the fingers of the person you treated the worst. Your left hand is not attached to your body. It lives in a safe, the code to which only your right hand knows. Your right hand does not speak your language. Your right hand does not want your skin to be OK. Your right hand has never existed and you are seriously then dust of a man no one has never really met.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE PEOPLE DOING YOGA are doing yoga in the park. I think they’re talking to each other but I’m distracted by the squirrel and the pigeon that seem to be having sex in the long grass.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A GARDENER is in her garden, making up names for plants.]

GARDENER: Fiddlesticks.

[She giggles]

GARDENER: Buggerchops.

[She laughs]

GARDENER: Robisamassivecheatingwanker.

[She screams]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BUTTERFLY was bored, so turned back into a caterpillar and absolutely regretted it.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[LONELY LENNY is feeling lonely, so he kicks everyone out of his house and ends the party early to enjoy some alone time.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DEVON and CORNWALL, the bricklayers, are laying bricks. You know, one brick on top of another brick on top of another brick.]

CORNWALL: Devo?

DEVON: Devon.

CORNWALL: Devon?

DEVON: Yeah?

CORNWALL: Can I call you Devo?

DEVO: No.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025