The funniest thing about Zara was her head.

Well, not her head, rather what was ON her head.

No, not her hair…

Guess you had to be there.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Joe purchased 12 eggs.

He ate 2 of them
Then 6
Then 1
He bought 24 more
And ate 16
Then 9

‘How many eggs did Joe eat?’

Asked the coroner.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

All of the clouds fell out of the sky.

The people on the floor helped stick them back on.

Everyone but Ben, who kept one.

Just in case.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

He decided to dance in public.
He shook everything.
EVERYTHING.
Left to right.
Then left to right.
Then right to left when he realised he’d JUST GONE LEFT TO RIGHT.
He went on for ages.
Everyone saw.
EVERYONE.
Then the entire planet went to their individual homes and each person was fine.
Even the person that decided to dance in public.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Oliver wanted to read a book. But he’d forgotten how. He picked one up. He looked at. He frowned at it. He moved it up to his face. He kissed it. He cried on it. He pushed it through his eyes and into his brain and out of the back of his skull. He gave it 3 stars on Amazon.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Kerry got ready for her charity cycle
to WorkDay, the tiny unknown island in Greece…

She got a new passport
Polished her expensive, fancy bike
Held a bake sale in the office
Set up a blog to document her training
Raised £6,000 from her loved ones
Recovered from a niggling knee injury

But then eventually couldn’t go through with it
As she realised WorkDay was less a Greek island
And more a terrible joke that didn’t really
Have much legs and just slowly petered out
To quite an awkward end line

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Harold filled up a barrel with boiled water,
64 teabags and eight pints of full fat milk.

He smiled lovingly as he opened the door
to see Edith wearing his favourite cardigan,
clutching a 12-foot homemade Hob Nob
and a 10-pack of condoms.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

The robot hated its lips.
It hated its feet, too.
As well as its rubbish torso,
weird shaped head,
having no arms and its creepy eyes.
Also, what was the deal with that shit aerial on its head?
Looks like a bloody teaspoon, mate.
Its creator really was terrible.

© Carl Burkitt 2016