ABCDinner Party

Aaron’s avocado was ace
Billy’s beans were brill
Colin’s coconuts were class
Donna’s doughnuts were delightful
Eric’s enchiladas were excellent
Freddy’s fish fingers were flippin’ fantastic
Gloria’s gateau was great
Hayley’s honey was heavenly
Izzy’s ice was insightful
Jerry’s jelly was… just…
Kate’s kale was kid-friendly
Larry’s lamb was laughable
Martin’s macaroni was marvellous
Naomi’s nut roast was nae bad
Olivia’s olives were outstanding
Peter’s pizza was particularly pleasing
Quincy’s quiche was quality
Ron’s rolls were rancid
Sally’s salad was sensational
Terry’s trifle was terrific
Ulrich’s udon was unbelievable
Vanessa’s Viennetta was vexing
Walter’s walnuts were wonderful
Xavier’s Xavier soup (shut up, it’s a thing) was xhilarating (piss off)
Yanni’s yams were yummy
Zara’s zucchini was zesty

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Glass half full

I just met a glass half full kind of guy. 
You know the type,
he’d miss his bus but wouldn’t mind
because ‘there’s another one’.
Or he’d rip his trousers but
it was all cool because he was
‘going to get new ones anyway.’
Or his girlfriend would cheat on him
and he would be fine because
‘we are all just pointless blobs of nothing hurtling towards our inevitable demise so who cares?’
You know the type.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Inside a poem

Jemima woke up inside a poem.
It was exactly as she imagined.
The weather reflected her mood.
Trees sang and the sun actually hugged her.
Every step told a story.
The dead were alive.
Pain was a person.
Every single thing was something else.

© Carl Burkitt 2018


I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right, surrounded by a bunch of pensioners. A few years ago I would’ve made the kind of joke where you go: “I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right… I can see a few dinosaurs too!” But I don’t make that joke today, for two reasons: 1) I’m less of a dickhead these days. 2) In this museum, it’s the pensioners who are laughing, winding each other up and running around, and it’s the two young people who are sitting still, staring at their screens, petrifying into time.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

2018 vs 2012

I’m a quarter of an inch shorter than I was in 2012 (weirdly)

Babies look cuter
And I want one

I pack way more than I need

I’ve got less hair on my head
More hair on my chest
(Even more in my nose and ears)

I rarely watch new films
And find comfort in repeats

People are incredibly opinionated

I get way more shit stuck in my gums

I dance a bit less
I sing loads more

The sun (ball in the sky) is less stressful for me
The Sun (newspaper) is really stressful for me

Shampoo is very expensive
My scalp is grateful

I’m less proud of myself
But more comfortable saying so

Vegetables are a main ingredient

I ask more questions

I’m closer to touching my toes

If I like something, I admit it
If I hate something, I’m more delicate

I celebrate others as much as I can

My floorboards creak louder

I stretch more

I smile less
But laugh more heavily

I feel safer

I’ve found my tribe

© Carl Burkitt 2018