Chris Hemsworth’s net worth
Was bigger than Woolworths’.
Or so he thought.
He never Googled it
Incase he got it wrong.
He’d never live it down
Because he told everyone one in town:
“My name’s Chris Hemsworth
And I’m bigger than Woolworths!
SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Antonio Banderas
Held his cards close to his chest.
“QUEEN OF HEARTS!”
“QUEEN OF CLUBS!”
“QUEEN OF SPADES!”
Unfortunately, he had a big fucking mouth.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Anna Kendrick hated metrics.
Seconds, she reckoned,
Were as shit as damn kilograms.
Metres didn’t please her.
And an ampere? “Never heard of ya!”
She loved watts diddly squat
And thought Celsius was horrendous.
Anna Kendrick HATED metrics.
She’d spend every morning over cereal,
Dreaming of good old imperial.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Roger Federer
Was a great listenerer.
When people were worried
Or sad, or in dangerer
He’d use both his left and right earer
To listen and make them feel betterer.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Charlize Theron knew something was wrong
So looked around the room for clues.
She saw footprints on the floor
And bloodstains on the door,
But they were there from yesterday.
As were the skid-marks up the curtains
And the fire, she knew for certain,
So decided things were fine,
She was just having “one of those days!”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
M. Night Shyamalan went to the shop to get some orange juice. It only took him 30 seconds because it was just at the end of his road, you see. The shop had loads of orange juice, so he was very pleased to be able to buy some. The walk home was just as smooth as the one to the shops. He went through the front door and headed straight to the kitchen and poured some orange juice into a glass. When he drank the orange juice, he was delighted with how nice it tasted. A few hours later he headed to bed, but realised he hadn’t put the carton of leftover orange juice away. As he went to put the carton in the fridge, he realised the fridge was actually the ghost of his great, great grandfather. Not a brilliant ending to the day, but certainly a surprising one.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Louis Walsh
Was feeling bolshy
And spent the day outside
With no suncream on.
When he went to A&E
With third degree burns,
The nurse made a clever joke
About X Factor and factor 50.
It was hilarious.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Greta Gerwig found a pig
And said: “I shall call you Wig”,
To which the pig did a jig.
Wig jigged and jigged
For Greta Gerwig
And offered her a giant fig.
“Thank you, Wig,” said Greta Gerwig.
“But I do not like the taste of figs,
So get it out of my fucking face.”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
John C. McGinley
Couldn’t decide how to have his hair.
Should he keep the curls?
Should he shave it all off?
Perhaps he should grow it.
Perhaps he should dye it.
Then he looked in the mirror
And realised he really didn’t care.
(He put some gel on it, if you’re wondering.)
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Kevin Smith was cravin’ some raisins.
But the weather was rainin’
And he wasn’t up for bravin’
Leavin’ the safe haven of his home.
So he stayed in alone, picked up his phone
And searched on Deliveroo.
To his fright, the site had few fruity delights
So instead, scoffed his bunny rabbit’s poos.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Carl tells tales 