T-Pain loved his name.
Mostly because he loved tea.
And pain.
When the two came together,
That was his favourite.
Often, he’d neck a boiling fresh brew
Just for the craic.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Ian McShane missed being Lovejoy
So decided to become a real-life antiques dealer.
Much like his character, he was
“A bit of a rogue” in the antiques world.
Unfortunately, unlike his character,
He wasn’t a “likeable” rogue
And would regularly intimidate
Little old folk at car boot sales with his fists
To take their ornaments
And VHS box sets of Friends
For next to nothing.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Naomi Watts loved tying knots.
She tied up everything she saw
And plonked it in a box.
Like her tops, her jeans, her pants and her socks.
It was a unique hobby,
One she loved very much,
But it was hard to live her life
Because, well, she’d ruined all her stuff.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

On a recent trip to England
Meat Loaf changed his name to Malt Loaf.
“It was a no brainer,” he told the press.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Will Self
Filled his shelf
With every book he’d ever written.

He’d kiss them all at night
Before switching off the light
And purring like a smitten little kitten.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Will Smith
Bought crisps and dip
And enjoyed a quiet night at home.
He always found those moments
Hugely humbling and important,
And enjoyed the chance
To bathe in some money, alone.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Jack Dee felt funny.
Not funny “haha”
But funny in his tummy.
He went to the toilet
In case it was a wee,
But it wasn’t.
It was a poo,
Obviously.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Bruce Springsteen’s washing machine broke.
A loose artichoke got the drum stuck.
Classic Bruce, he’d leave all sorts in his back pockets:
Handkerchiefs, keys, vegetables.
Once he left a whole toilet roll in there!
He’d never been great at laundry.
Thank God he had music.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Nick Cave went to a rave.
He hated it.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Bill Murray was in a hurry
To get up and leave the house.

All cos he heard the scurry
Of a tiny, gross, little mouse.

“Get out!” yelled Bill, all frightened and scared
To which the mouse replied “you get out.”

“Fair point,” said Bill as he got prepared
To move out having lost this bout.

© Carl Burkitt 2018