Charlotte Church
Perched in a birch
For research.
Her conclusion:
It’s tough work
To perch in a birch
(Shit branches, innit).

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Trevor Noah
Loved his feather boa.
He used it to tickle
His bits down belowa.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Ray Winstone
Loved dim sum.
He’d shoved 12 in his gob
And say “gflarg-jjlimp-hrum.”

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Yoko Ono
Ate 6,000 Polos.
“YOLO!” she bellowed
Puking on her pillows.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Ed Sheeran
Got Justin Bieber’s face
Tattooed on to his face.
He didn’t look great
And sold far fewer records.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Amanda Holden
Painted herself golden
And spent the day as one of those
Human statue thingys
On her local high street.
She earned £6.43 in change
And not a single bird shat on her.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Birdman the rapper
Watched Birdman the film
And didn’t really like it.
But he pretended he loved it.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

“How would you like your eggs?
asked the smiley waiter.

“I would LOVE IT if you beat them,”
screamed Kevin Keegan.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Jerry Springer
Took a solo trip to a remote island.
He dug his feet in the hot sand,
Nibbled a cracked open coconut
And watched the water sit motionless.
He hated every second,
So went to find a couple of
Wild boar to rile up.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

Darren Aronofsky
Was feeling dead sleepy.
He looked in the mirror
And his eyes were all weepy.
So he scooped them both out
With a painful little shout
And went to bed feeling sexy-creepy.

© Carl Burkitt 2020