Queen Latifah
Invented the Quaver.
Well, that’s what she put
On her profile for Tinder.
(Worked pretty well.)

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Rob Lowe
Turned into a crow.
He flew high and low,
To and fro,
Plopping on those below.
It wasn’t a bad day,
As Mondays go.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Theo Walcott
Ate a walnut.
It was
Above average.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

will.i.am
ate.some.ham
with.his.nan
in.ja.pan.

it.was.grand.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Quincy Jones
Owned 900 Nokia phones,
44 dinosaur bones,
6 copies of Attack of the Clones
And 17 rusty trombones.
Why?
Who cares,
It’s Quincy Jones.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Emile Hirsch
Felt worse and worse
Every minute
After almost
Being hit by a hearse.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Danny Jones
Liked to pretend his dad was Davy Jones.
He’d make jokes like:
“He doesn’t have a wardrobe…
He keeps his clothes in a locker.”
Ha! Ha! Ha!
It was harmless fun, really,
But mainly it helped distract people
From the fact he was
One of those bastards from McFly.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Johnny Knoxville
Fell ill with chickenpox.
His arms and legs
And face and head
Were all absolutely
Covered in dots.
He joined them up for a laugh
Using a good mate’s pen,
Which turned out to be permanent,
Oh he hated his “friends”.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

1. Table For One (…Absolute Legend!) Please
2. Don’t Do Anything I Wouldn’t Do!
3. Other Halves (Reluctantly) Welcome
4. Nah it’s Fine, Mum’s Out for the Night
5. Counting the Blue Ticks
6. Dancing to the Ding of the Microwave
7. What Time Are Taxis?
8. Can I Buy You a Drink?
9. That Was Nice, I’ll Call You
10. Pacing up the Landing
11. I Called You
12. Double Checking the Number of Digits
13. Please Pick Up…

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Chuck Norris
Had a tiring day
So snuggled up in bed
With a hot water bottle.
I mean,
He was seventy-bloody-nine
For Christ’s sake.

© Carl Burkitt 2019