Lady Gaga
Left a Mars Bar
In the glove box
Of her smart car.
It was a state.
An absolute fucking state.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Mariah Carey
Fancied getting lairy
So necked a dozen tinnies
And watched Little House on the Prairie.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Keira Knightley
Got hit by lightening.
On purpose.
It wasn’t a decision taken lightly,
And of course it was frightening,
But she’d heard from a friend
It would be mightily enlightening.
It wasn’t.
She hated every painful second of it.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Elton John
Wrote a new tune
And called it ‘My Song’.
It was all about him
And he never played it to anyone,
So I couldn’t possibly
Comment on its quality.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Mary Berry
Used a Victoria sponge
In the shower,
“By mistake.”

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Damon Albarn
Worked on a farm.
Or a field.
Or a supermarket.
He couldn’t quite remember,
To be honest,
His memory was a blur.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Andrew Lloyd Webber
Woke up in a musical.
It was loud, vibrant
And ultimately awful.
He couldn’t have been happier.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Gary Oldman
Ate some old ham.
It was fine…
Until the next day…
Oh, man.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Actor Steve McFadden
Loved playing the character of Phil Mitchell
On the soap opera Eastenders so much
He changed his real name to Phil Mitchell.
To avoid confusion, the shows producers
Changed the character of Phil Mitchell’s name
To Steve McFadden.
Unfortunately it didn’t go down well with the fans
So they killed off the character of Steve McFadden.
This made Phil Mitchell very sad.
Very sad indeed.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Bruce Willis
Broke his pelvis.
“Hippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!” he laughed,
Off his face on morphine.

© Carl Burkitt 2019