Russell Brand
Referred to his hands as
His transporters of morsels to mouth.
His quill’s companions.
His highfalutin philanderers.
His wandering prehensile appendages.
His phalange houses.
His glove fuckers.
Everyone else referred to them as
His hands.
Far easier.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Michelle Keegan
Couldn’t remember what she’d eaten
But she thought it was tasty
As it left her rather hastily.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Footballer Sergio Agüero
Changed his name to
Sergio Agüergoal
And paid £6 million to do so,
Just because he could.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Heidi Klum
Sang dum dee dum
As she swallowed
Her 89th plum.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Colin Farrell
Was a barrel of laughs.
The kind of guy
Who’d point at your neck
And say “what’s that?”
Then flick your face
When you looked down.
Haha,
Yeah,
Colin Farrell was
HILARIOUS.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Harry Enfield
Bought a house
On Enfield Road
In Enfield
Because, well,
I shouldn’t have to explain why.

Blimey, OK,
Harry Enfield
Bought a house
On Enfield Road
In Enfield
Because it had decent transport links
To central London.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Mel B painted yellow and black stripes on her t-shirt
And changed her name to Mel Buzz.

“Why Mel Buzz?” friends would ask.

“Because of my bumble bee stripes,” she’d say.

“Yeah, but you were called Mel B…”

“Yes, I was, but I’m now Mel BUZZ
Because of my bumble bee stripes.”

“Right, but you were Mel B, like, bee…”

Eventually Mel Buzz ditched her idiot mates
And lived happily on her own.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Carey Mulligan
Was afforded a mulligan
After puking on the tee
Due to scoffing a dodgy mulligan.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

After eating 3000 bottles
Of Thousand Island dressing,
André 3000
Did not feel so fresh
And was certainly not clean.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Lenny Kravitz
Bought cravats
For his wrists.
Utterly pointless.

© Carl Burkitt 2019