Liev Schreiber
Ate loads of fibre
And shat and shat and shat.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Clive Owen
Heard one of his films was showin’
At the cinema near his home.
He bought every ticket
So no-one could see it
Except him, all naked and alone.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Dave Goldberg,
CEO of SurveyMonkey,
Was a little bit grumpy because:

a) He was tired
b) He was lonely
c) He wanted to call it ChooseyChooseyChimpanzeEasy
d) All of the above

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Brie Larson
Invented the Brie Lardon.
It was essentially just
Little cubes of brie.
Anyone could’ve done it.
It really wasn’t very clever
But she never shut up about it.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Kieran Culkin
Was so good at sulkin’
He was never left
Home alone.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Former footballer
Per Mertesacker
Was certainly quite the snacker.
Give him cheese and a cracker,
He’s give you a smacker
But take it away
And he’d soon bloody whack ya.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Hilary Duff had
Had enough.
She huffed and puffed
As she shanked ANOTHER
Ball in the rough.
Who knew golf was so tough?
Hilary Duff, that’s who.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Avril Lavigne
Fell in a latrine.
She was completely
Covered in piss and shit.
Completely.
A week later, roughly,
A young lad on a skateboard
Rolled up next to the latrine
And pulled Avril out by one of her
Disgustingly smelly hands.
And that’s how Sk8er Boi was written.
Yep.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Jim Caviezel
Bought an easel
And painted an eagle
Nailed to a cross
Crying about the end
Of its career…zel.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Mark Hamill
Was convinced
He wasn’t mammal.
Something to do with gills
Or something,
I wasn’t listening.

© Carl Burkitt 2019