Wayne Rooney had no plans for the night,
So stayed in and thought about his old goals.
He thought about that one he scored with his head
And that one he scored with his foot
And that one he scored with his other foot
And that one he scored from a tough angle
And that other one he scored with his head.
He loved thinking about all his old goals,
So much so he grab his old balls
And thought about scoring again.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Emilia Clarke
Went out for a tasty meal.
She had the Soup of the Day,
A perfectly cooked medium rare steak,
Followed by a rich sticky toffee pudding.
It was delightful.
When she finished her relaxing coffee,
Emilia handsomely tipped the waiting staff
And burnt the fucking restaurant to the ground.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Arsène Wenger
Bought a bus.
He was actually far cheekier
Than people realised.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Andrew Scott
Was hot.
Fact.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Snoop Dogg
Changed his name to Hot Dogg
And squirted mustard down
The front of all his shirts.
He looked in the mirror and thought
“Hot by name, hot by nature.”

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Trey Parker
Was quite the farter.
He particularly enjoyed
Following through.
There was no hidden meaning,
Trey Parker just enjoyed shitting himself.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Jean-Claude Van Damme
Chopped a Wham Bar clean in half,
With one chop of the hand.
It was his weaker hand, too.
Crikey.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Wyclef Jean
Could feel a yawn
Coming on.
He tried his best
To hold it in his chest
But he couldn’t wait much longer.
It soon released
With a remarkable beat
And his producer said:
“Ooh, that’s a keeper!”

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Angela Lansbury
Scribbled a story
About a collection of crows.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Dominic West
Rubbed his chest
With a raw chicken breast
Before getting himself dressed –
All suited and booted
Ready to impress.

© Carl Burkitt 2019