After David Eagleman

In the afterlife, the fingers on your hands are not yours. The ones on your left hand are the fingers of the person you treated with the most love and affection when alive. The ones on the right are the fingers of the person you treated the worst. Your left hand is not attached to your body. It lives in a safe, the code to which only your right hand knows. Your right hand does not speak your language. Your right hand does not want your skin to be OK. Your right hand has never existed and you are seriously then dust of a man no one has never really met.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE PEOPLE DOING YOGA are doing yoga in the park. I think they’re talking to each other but I’m distracted by the squirrel and the pigeon that seem to be having sex in the long grass.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A GARDENER is in her garden, making up names for plants.]

GARDENER: Fiddlesticks.

[She giggles]

GARDENER: Buggerchops.

[She laughs]

GARDENER: Robisamassivecheatingwanker.

[She screams]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BUTTERFLY was bored, so turned back into a caterpillar and absolutely regretted it.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[LONELY LENNY is feeling lonely, so he kicks everyone out of his house and ends the party early to enjoy some alone time.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DEVON and CORNWALL, the bricklayers, are laying bricks. You know, one brick on top of another brick on top of another brick.]

CORNWALL: Devo?

DEVON: Devon.

CORNWALL: Devon?

DEVON: Yeah?

CORNWALL: Can I call you Devo?

DEVO: No.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE SWIMMER sank. I guess you could say he was not so much a swimmer and more of a ‘sinker’. At least that’s what his wife’s lover said at the funeral.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[A SLUG slides into his house after a day in the sun. He slithers to the fridge and grabs himself a cold beer and a few pickled onions. He melts on to the sofa and watches repeats of Married At First Sight. He yawns and scratches his testicles. He texts his boss her can’t come into work tomorrow on account of being too tired and hot. He goes to his bedroom and doesn’t go to sleep on his bed.]

[The slug is actually a human bloke, by the way.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[The Prince has a chicken breast on his head. His BUTLER is smiling a smile of awe.]

PRINCE: You sure I don’t look stupid?

BUTLER: Of course, my Prince.

PRINCE [Sighing]: You know I’m not a real Prince, don’t you?

BUTLER: Sir?

PRINCE: And you’re not my butler.

BUTLER: Sir?

PRINCE: John, seriously, be normal for one night. Now, should I wear this chicken breast to the nightclub or not?

JOHN: Yes.

PRINCE [Glaring]: Yes “my Prince”.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DARIUS remembers he needs to buy some new underwear. Darius buys some new underwear online.]

DARIUS: I just remembered I needed to buy some new underwear. Then I bought some new underwear online.

[No one answers as Darius lives alone because Darius is, truthfully, quite dull to be around.]

DARIUS: I can’t wait to see my new underwear when it arrives from the online store.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025