this goes out to the early-wormers
the concrete-walkers
the toast-in-your-molars
the uniform-wearers
the running-laters
the personality-jugglers
the world-is-too-muchers
the wish-your-skin-wasn’t-realers
the relentless-bad-news-receivers
the what’s-the-pointers
the how-do-you-keep-goingers
the smells-like-giving-uppers
the blah-blah-blahers
the the-the-the-ers

Carl Burkitt 2025

I think about sadness
and the way it fills the space
in a day like water. Life rafts exist –
in morning Lego builds,
the way you watch sunflowers,
how you notice the shape of buttercups,
a bumble bee straw in fresh apple juice,
a pub landlord knowing your name,
train spotting,
teaching you how to spell ‘train spotting’,
your confidence
that you are the fastest runner on Earth –
but how do I swim to them
when my feet and hands are tied?

Carl Burkitt 2025

[DEAN is reading a MARY BERRY cookbook.]

DEAN: Wow. This kind looking lady can cook!

[Curtain]

[Whoops, forgot to say that Dean stole the book from an Oxfam bookshop and gunpoint, so just be wary of the guy.]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[JERRY climbs a tree. Yippee!]

[Jerry falls off the tree. Ouchie!]

[Jerry’s funeral is tomorrow. Goodie!]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MINK and FLORG are on a blind date.]

MINK: Hi, Florg.

FLORG: It’s pronounced Florg.

MINK: Florg.

FLORG: Florg.

MINK: Florg?

FLORG: That’s it! Well done, Mink.

MINK: It’s pronounced Greg.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[REGINALD is on the toilet. He reaches for the toilet roll.]

REGINALD: Uh oh.

[Yep, no toilet roll.]

REGINALD: No toilet roll.

[Told ya.]

[Reginald decides to reach for *&%$£$ and shove it £$£%^&^ and wipe the &^*^$$ and ends up with *&^&%$% and then $£%$%&&.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

but you gave me an iced gem after school today
so I could remember what they taste like because,
“This morning, Daddy, you told me
you haven’t had one since you were little”
and all I thought of was the thousands of pounds
I’ve spent on therapy just to be seen.

Carl Burkitt 2025

Your innocence passed its MOT again.
The mechanic used the word ‘perfect’, in fact.
For another year we will not need to worry
about your imagination working or the speed
of your acceleration from bored to excited.
I look at your eyes and cannot picture the light
dimming, or the rounded strength of your shoulders
dipping. The mechanic told us to look out for signs
of pulling away too soon, your handbrake locking,
or the unexpected rust of anxiety setting in.
So we promise to examine that during scrub downs
and remind you of the power that lies in your engine.

Carl Burkitt 2025

After David Eagleman

In the afterlife, the fingers on your hands are not yours. The ones on your left hand are the fingers of the person you treated with the most love and affection when alive. The ones on the right are the fingers of the person you treated the worst. Your left hand is not attached to your body. It lives in a safe, the code to which only your right hand knows. Your right hand does not speak your language. Your right hand does not want your skin to be OK. Your right hand has never existed and you are seriously then dust of a man no one has never really met.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE PEOPLE DOING YOGA are doing yoga in the park. I think they’re talking to each other but I’m distracted by the squirrel and the pigeon that seem to be having sex in the long grass.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025