M
mo
…Moo!
…
Mo
© Carl Burkitt 2013
M
mo
…Moo!
…
Mo
© Carl Burkitt 2013
I was in love with a girl called Emily Angel,
And I lived with a guy called Danny Pickles.
I now love a girl called Emily Pickles,
And I live on my own.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
We’d been sat silently beside one another on the rickety porch swing for five minutes, the sun beaming on us both.
I’d already finished telling Rose everything. I told her how I found him dying by the railroad tracks. I explained that he didn’t want her to be alone; that he’d asked me to tell her how to spend his bag of money, and that he was proud of their son. I reassured her that someone was there to witness his last breath and comforted her with his final words: “Give my love to Rose.”
Tears of condensation trickled down my glass of lemonade as Rose’s face remained dry.
“10 years is a long time to wait,” she said, staring intensely at the floor. “My goodbyes were said in the courthouse.”
Rose opened the bag of dusty dollar bills and grubby coins that sat on her thighs. She fingered the notes and gave a half smile: “Clothes, you say?”
“Only the prettiest,” I nodded.
A silence hung in the dry air as our eyes met properly for the first time. I began to undress Rose in my mind; removing her stained apron, greying, over-sized t-shirt and baggy torn jeans. I thought about taking her in the shower, cleaning her over-worked skin and dressing her in a thin, revealing, linen summer dress. The kind that would celebrate the curves she was graced with.
Rose’s gaze remained locked on mine. She gently pushed her hair behind her back, the sunlight kissing her neck. I could hear my heart thumping. Rose leant in closer to me, her sweet scent filling my nostrils. “10 years is a long time to wait,” she said, her eyes moistening.
I placed my palm on her left cheek, catching a teardrop with my thumb. “He’s right, what he said,” I whispered. “You shouldn’t be alone.”
Rose smiled a warm smile as she brought her hand up to mine and said: “I’m not.”
The front door creaked open, slowly, and a 12 year-old head appeared from behind it. “Who’s this, mommy?” the boy said, tentatively.
Rose placed my hand back on my knee and shuffled across the porch swing. “This is Johnny,” she said, rubbing the dampness from her eyes. “He’s a friend of Daddy’s.” Rose patted the newly formed space between us. “Come and say hi.”
© Carl Burkitt 2013
This story was inspired by the lovely Johnny Cash song ‘Give My Love To Rose’.
Peter was bitten by a strange looking spider.
He began to speak of responsibility, grippy fingers and sticky webs.
The doctor prescribed copious amounts of sedatives and anti depressants
As Peter slowly died of radiation poisoning.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
Cheerful Charlie’s tummy started to rumble and grumble.
“Oh, mummy!” said Charlie. “I have a grumpy tummy!”
Charlie’s mummy was busy reading. “Why not cheer it up with a juicy piece of fruit?” she said.
“Great idea!” yelled Charlie as he skipped into the dining room, towards the dining table.
Sat on top of the table was a great big, blue fruit bowl, filled with bananas, grapes, apples and pears.
Charlie jumped onto a chair to take a look at the fruit, but as he leant in towards the bowl he heard what sounded like crying.
“Mummy!” said Charlie. “Is that you crying?”
“Crying?” said Charlie’s mummy. “Nope, I’m just reading my book.”
‘Hmm,’ thought Charlie. ‘Who’s that crying?’
“Daddy!” yelled Charlie. “Is that you crying?”
“Crying?” whistled Charlie’s daddy from the kitchen. “Nope, I’m just making my lunch for work tomorrow.”
‘Hmm,’ thought Charlie. ‘Who’s that crying?’
Charlie looked at Barney the dog’s bed. Barney was all tucked up, snoring his doggy head off and spraying drool around each time he breathed out.
‘Hmm,’ thought Charlie. ‘It’s not Barney. Who on Earth is that crying?!’
Charlie suddenly heard a loud “Psssssttt!” He looked around the room, confused, unsure where it was coming from.
“Psssssttt!” came again. It was coming from the fruit bowl!
Charlie looked down to see a banana with two eyes, looking at him.
“Psssssttt!” The banana hissed. “It’s that smelly orange that’s crying.”
Charlie looked beyond the banana, beyond the grapes, beyond the apples and beyond the pears to see a sad, lonely orange hiding with tears running down his face.
“Oh dear, what’s wrong Mr Orange?” Charlie asked.
The orange sniffed very loudly and cried: “All of my orange friends have been eaten, the bananas keep calling me names, the apples are ignoring me and the pears keep laughing at me. I’m just a sad, lonely orange.”
The orange started to scream in sadness. “Waaaa!”
“There there, Mr Orange. Don’t be sad.” said Charlie as he picked it up. “You have lots of reasons to be cheerful.”
“Oh, yeah?” sniffed the orange. “Like what?”
“Well,” said Charlie. “You’re nice and big – much bigger than all of the fruit in this bowl. You’re a bright and shiny colour that makes you stand out from the crowd. You have a unique name, because no other words rhyme with ‘orange’. You’re full of vitamin C, which helps keep humans healthy and strong. You have a sweet and luscious smell that fills a room and you are just the juiciest, scrummiest, yummiest, tastiest fruit in the whole wide world!”
The orange smiled a big smile, wiped away his tears and thanked Charlie for his kind words.
Charlie’s tummy rumbled and grumbled as he remembered why he skipped into the dining room.
“In fact,” said Charlie, as he licked his lips. “You’re perfect…”
The orange looked down at the ground and sighed. “OK Charlie,” it said. “You can eat me.”
And with that, Charlie ripped the skin off the orange. He ripped it so fast juice began shooting around the room. He tore two pieces at a time, shoved them in his mouth and scrunched and crunched them into delicious mush before swallowing them.
The bananas, the grapes, the apples and the pears watched in stunned silence as Charlie gobbled every single piece of the orange in a matter of seconds and threw the skin into the bin.
Charlie burped.
“Charlie!” yelled his mummy. “What do you say?!”
“Sorry mummy. But I just had the juiciest, scrummiest, yummiest, tastiest orange in the whole wide world!”
© Carl Burkitt 2013
Geraldine hadn’t had sex for six years until the afternoon she met Harvey.
Barely a word had been spoken before the two pounced on each other like animals.
Geraldine clutched Harvey’s penis and went to lower to her knees,
But Harvey removed her hand, kissed her neck and whispered:
“Today is about you.”
As she lay on her back
Harvey complimented Geraldine’s wrinkles,
And gently caressed each and every curve of her ageing flesh,
Claiming her skin belonged to a goddess.
Harvey defied his 19 years and used his tongue in ways Geraldine could barely dream of.
He nuzzled on her breasts as his fingers danced between her legs.
Geraldine’s back formed an arch and goosebumps began to stir.
She knew her time was coming to an end so she moaned and scratched and begged to feel Harvey.
He soon obliged.
All the colours of the rainbow shot around her eyes as Harvey,
Tender, but firm,
Rolled back the years for her.
Flashbacks of hot pants, peace symbols, bouncing headboards and the Beatles rang inside Geraldine’s head.
Her awoken body tightened
And tightened
And tightened before the two of them exploded into a flurry of shooting stars.
Geraldine clung on to Harvey, her breath becoming a pant.
She leant in and went to thank him,
Before the crash of Harvey’s till
Startled her.
Harvey smiled politely as he
Slid the last item into her bag.
Geraldine nodded, grabbed her shopping and
Headed to the bank.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
Simon coughed as he felt the lump for a second time.
His eyes looked into those of his wife, struggling to hold back her tears.
She nervously placed her hand on Simon’s,
Took a deep breath,
And swore to never be in charge of the custard again.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
The huntsman cackled as he caught his final prey. The foiled victim remained silent, as he was chucked into the victor’s basket.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
“…and so that’s how I got telekinesis.”
She wasn’t listening. She just kept staring at my bulge.
I closed my eyes, focused my powers, and fired the buttons off my jeans into the pervert’s face.
© Carl Burkitt 2013
Michael Micky Michael is a confusing old man,
He’s tough to describe but let’s see if I can:
He feels sorry for his uncle, who’s bullied by his mother,
Then he’ll spend every Sunday, punching his own brother.
He’s been an ambassador for Crufts for nigh on 10 years,
But sells dodgy dog fur and pints of puppy tears.
He has a sexy young wife who was born in France,
Yet he fellates his best mate, a plumber called Lance.
He tells his kids to “get an honest job”,
But he didn’t go to school and he kills for the mob.
He’s a God fearing man and preaches to the choir,
Yet he touches young boys screaming: ‘Hate and hell fire!’
Now I know he sounds mean,
That I’m sure you’ll agree,
But I can’t knock the bloke,
He’s just so sweet to me.
© Carl Burkitt 2013