Emma was four days into her new diet.
She was starving.
On her commute home she scoffed a copy of Closer Magazine
And choked to death on a pic of Davina McCall’s elbow.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
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Author Archives: carltellstales
Revenant
Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. The year was 2213 and he looked terrible.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Schrödinger’s cat
Mrs Schrödinger opened the box and stabbed her husband’s cat.
“It’s dead!” she yelled. “Now stop fucking about and drive me to my mother’s.”
© Carl Burkitt 2016
To completion
Miriam fell in love with her Sims 4 character and treated him to a brand new sound system.
Whilst watching him dance in his pants, she leant forward for a kiss and cracked a front tooth on her laptop.
But despite the searing pain in her gums and her mouth filling with blood Miriam, the trooper, continued touching herself to completion.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Such a pretty house
He had such a pretty house
She had such a pretty garden.
He had no one in his pretty house
She had them all
Underneath her pretty garden.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Inspired by lyrics from ‘No Suprises’ by Radiohead.
Puppet
The puppet really didn’t like his job
But he was a people pleaser,
So he danced for the crowds
And faked a smile when
His master popped his dick inside him.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
January diet
Noddy Holder climbed back into his cave,
Nibbling on his royalties.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Dedication
The paperboy forgot his papers so whispered the news through every letterbox. It took 4 weeks and he didn’t get laid once.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Work ethic
The lazy man wrote a story. It had a beginning and a middle.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Snowman
Billy made a snowman.
He wondered what it would be like to fuck it,
But got cold feet and wandered back inside.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 