15/1/19 – Winkleman

Claudia Winkleman
Went to the beach
To sip a cool, refreshing drinkleman,
Clear her mind
And have a proper, good thinkleman.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

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11/1/19 – Heskey

Ex-footballer Emile Heskey
Was fed up of those pesky
Kids across the road,
Especially the son of Lesley,
(Also called Lesley)
Who pelted the former number 9’s
Number 9 house
With Walkers Crisps, acorns, cans of Carlsberg
And other old sponsors of the striker’s old teams.
It wasn’t too bad, to be honest,
Until Lesley threw the entire staff
Of a local Standard Chartered Bank
Against the walls of Emile’s place.
Poor bastards.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

ABCDinner Party

Aaron’s avocado was ace
Billy’s beans were brill
Colin’s coconuts were class
Donna’s doughnuts were delightful
Eric’s enchiladas were excellent
Freddy’s fish fingers were flippin’ fantastic
Gloria’s gateau was great
Hayley’s honey was heavenly
Izzy’s ice was insightful
Jerry’s jelly was… just…
Kate’s kale was kid-friendly
Larry’s lamb was laughable
Martin’s macaroni was marvellous
Naomi’s nut roast was nae bad
Olivia’s olives were outstanding
Peter’s pizza was particularly pleasing
Quincy’s quiche was quality
Ron’s rolls were rancid
Sally’s salad was sensational
Terry’s trifle was terrific
Ulrich’s udon was unbelievable
Vanessa’s Viennetta was vexing
Walter’s walnuts were wonderful
Xavier’s Xavier soup (shut up, it’s a thing) was xhilarating (piss off)
Yanni’s yams were yummy
Zara’s zucchini was zesty

© Carl Burkitt 2019