[BABY is wearing a classic chef’s hat, a blue and white striped apron over a nappy, and is holding a plastic whisk and a wooden spoon. BABY’S PARENT is sat on the floor, admiring the beauty of Baby.]
BABY: What can I get you?
BABY’S PARENT: What do you have?
BABY: [Incoherent rage]
BABY’S PARENT: What did I do wrong?!
[Baby sets fire to the kitchen.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[THE BOSS walks into the office and sees THE BOSS’S BOSS standing with his back to him.]
THE BOSS: Morning boss.
THE BOSS’S BOSS: Sorry, mum!
THE BOSS: What?
[The Boss’s Boss blushes and throws The Boss out of the window.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
the confidence of a man
who pisses in the middle of three urinals
when the left and right ones were empty.
Carl Burkitt 2025
[BABS is sitting in her living room armchair. THE DUST (as in, like, actual dust, not a bloke called The Dust) is sitting on the bookshelves, the mantelpiece, the curtain rail, the foot stool, the lampshades, the rug, and everything else in there.]
BABS: Would you please just shut up?
THE DUST: Never.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[MARY and MARY’S IMAGINARY FRIEND are lying next to each other, on separate lilos, on Mary’s boyfriend’s living room floor.]
MARY: Isn’t this the life?
MARY’S IMAGINARY FRIEND:
MARY: HAHA! Exactly.
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[BETTY and MR TEABAG are at the front of the queue at a rather fancy cafe.]
BETTY: What you having, George?
MR TEABAG: I’ll get these.
BETTY: Don’t be daft. Tea?
MR TEABAG: Coffee, please. I bloody hate tea!
BETTY: Oh, why do your mates call you Mr Teabag then?
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[SALLY and SALLI are standing nose to nose. Are they about to fight, do you think.]
SALLY: y
SALLI: i
SALLY: y
SALLI: i
SALLY: y
SALLI: i
SALLY: Y
SALLI: I
[I completely forgot to say that Sally and Salli are from Newcastle.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
[RICKY is looking in the mirror. RICKY’S REFLECTION is looking back at him.]
RICKY’S REFLECTION: Who are you?
RICKY: Don’t start this again.
RICKY’S REFLECTION: Start what?
[Ricky’s face folds in on itself.]
[Curtain]
Carl Burkitt 2025
He watches Christmas films in February
as popcorn sprinkles his pyjamas
like the first proper snowfall he saw this year.
His mum cut through the living room wall
with a multi tool today, revealing space for a fireplace.
“Santa can use that this year,” he said
peeking up the hole, desperate to see black boots.
When his nose goes red on a cold walk to school
he calls himself Rudolph and goes faster on his scooter.
Every day he counts down his days,
unaware he’s wishing away the few I have left
to watch him watch Christmas films in February.
Carl Burkitt 2025
A stranger gives my son sweetcorn at school. And sometimes cucumber. He doesn’t know what hairstyle she has or how tall she is. He doesn’t know if she wears knitted jumpers or blue jeans or white trainers. But he remembers the lunchtime she served him tomatoes and how it felt like being at home, even for just five minutes. My heart is the size of a pumpkin knowing someone without his blood is interested in his wellbeing. He calls her the Salad Lady and he likes it when she has green beans.
Carl Burkitt 2025
Carl tells tales 