[There’s A TREE. A rather beautiful tree, actually. It’s approximately 400 years old and showing no signs of withering. Just imagine how many leaves this tree has said goodbye to and hello to over that time. Its bark is thick and wise. The branches reach up and out, offering the entire planet a hug as a thank you for giving it life, purpose and chance to dance in the wind, play in the snow, relax in the sun, grow in the rain. The tree is happy, content, excited for the future. DAVE sits under the tree and starts wanking.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[WILLIAM walks into the kitchen and makes a cup of tea on the opposite side to THE WINDOW.]

THE WINDOW: Come and have a look at this!

WILLIAM: I’ve seen the back garden before.

THE WINDOW: Who said it was the back garden?!

WILLIAM: Because you’re a window over looking the back garden.

THE WINDOW: Just come and look!

[William walks to The Window and sees the back garden.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BABY is wearing a classic chef’s hat, a blue and white striped apron over a nappy, and is holding a plastic whisk and a wooden spoon. BABY’S PARENT is sat on the floor, admiring the beauty of Baby.]

BABY: What can I get you?

BABY’S PARENT: What do you have?

BABY: [Incoherent rage]

BABY’S PARENT: What did I do wrong?!

[Baby sets fire to the kitchen.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[THE BOSS walks into the office and sees THE BOSS’S BOSS standing with his back to him.]

THE BOSS: Morning boss.

THE BOSS’S BOSS: Sorry, mum!

THE BOSS: What?

[The Boss’s Boss blushes and throws The Boss out of the window.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

the confidence of a man
who pisses in the middle of three urinals
when the left and right ones were empty.

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BABS is sitting in her living room armchair. THE DUST (as in, like, actual dust, not a bloke called The Dust) is sitting on the bookshelves, the mantelpiece, the curtain rail, the foot stool, the lampshades, the rug, and everything else in there.]

BABS: Would you please just shut up?

THE DUST: Never.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[MARY and MARY’S IMAGINARY FRIEND are lying next to each other, on separate lilos, on Mary’s boyfriend’s living room floor.]

MARY: Isn’t this the life?

MARY’S IMAGINARY FRIEND:

MARY: HAHA! Exactly.

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[BETTY and MR TEABAG are at the front of the queue at a rather fancy cafe.]

BETTY: What you having, George?

MR TEABAG: I’ll get these.

BETTY: Don’t be daft. Tea?

MR TEABAG: Coffee, please. I bloody hate tea!

BETTY: Oh, why do your mates call you Mr Teabag then?

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[SALLY and SALLI are standing nose to nose. Are they about to fight, do you think.]

SALLY: y

SALLI: i

SALLY: y

SALLI: i

SALLY: y

SALLI: i

SALLY: Y

SALLI: I

[I completely forgot to say that Sally and Salli are from Newcastle.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025

[RICKY is looking in the mirror. RICKY’S REFLECTION is looking back at him.]

RICKY’S REFLECTION: Who are you?

RICKY: Don’t start this again.

RICKY’S REFLECTION: Start what?

[Ricky’s face folds in on itself.]

[Curtain]

Carl Burkitt 2025