Cara Delevigne
Had double cream
On everything she ate.
Sausage, cereals
Or even boiled skate.
It was a surefire way, to frighten away
A horrid first date.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
12/8/18 – Delevigne
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Monthly Archives: August 2018
11/8/18 – Hemsworth
Chris Hemsworth’s net worth
Was bigger than Woolworths’.
Or so he thought.
He never Googled it
Incase he got it wrong.
He’d never live it down
Because he told everyone one in town:
“My name’s Chris Hemsworth
And I’m bigger than Woolworths!
SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
10/8/18 – Banderas
Antonio Banderas
Held his cards close to his chest.
“QUEEN OF HEARTS!”
“QUEEN OF CLUBS!”
“QUEEN OF SPADES!”
Unfortunately, he had a big fucking mouth.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
9/8/18 – Kendrick
Anna Kendrick hated metrics.
Seconds, she reckoned,
Were as shit as damn kilograms.
Metres didn’t please her.
And an ampere? “Never heard of ya!”
She loved watts diddly squat
And thought Celsius was horrendous.
Anna Kendrick HATED metrics.
She’d spend every morning over cereal,
Dreaming of good old imperial.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
8/8/18 – Federer
Roger Federer
Was a great listenerer.
When people were worried
Or sad, or in dangerer
He’d use both his left and right earer
To listen and make them feel betterer.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
7/8/18 – Theron
Charlize Theron knew something was wrong
So looked around the room for clues.
She saw footprints on the floor
And bloodstains on the door,
But they were there from yesterday.
As were the skid-marks up the curtains
And the fire, she knew for certain,
So decided things were fine,
She was just having “one of those days!”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
6/8/18 – Shyamalan
M. Night Shyamalan went to the shop to get some orange juice. It only took him 30 seconds because it was just at the end of his road, you see. The shop had loads of orange juice, so he was very pleased to be able to buy some. The walk home was just as smooth as the one to the shops. He went through the front door and headed straight to the kitchen and poured some orange juice into a glass. When he drank the orange juice, he was delighted with how nice it tasted. A few hours later he headed to bed, but realised he hadn’t put the carton of leftover orange juice away. As he went to put the carton in the fridge, he realised the fridge was actually the ghost of his great, great grandfather. Not a brilliant ending to the day, but certainly a surprising one.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Extra
If I had an extra arm, I’d use it to pull all of my fingers out.
If I had an extra leg, I’d kick myself up the arse.
If I had an extra head, I’d eat two pizzas at the same time.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
642 Challenge: “What kinds of things would you do with an extra arm? What about an extra leg?”
In charge
If I was in charge
of the world for one day,
the one change I would make
is I would step down
from being in charge
of the world.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
642 Challenge: “If you were asked to be in charge of the world for a day, what kinds of changes would you make?”
Hide me!
I was sitting in a pizza restaurant and felt something moving around my knees. When I lifted up the edge of the tablecloth I saw a small animal looking at me. In a raspy voice, it whispered, “Hide me!”. Naturally, I punched the daemon square in the jaw until it died and hid the evidence in my scarf before finishing the last slice of my vegetarian delight.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
642 Challenge: “You’re sitting at a table in the back of a pizza restaurant, when you feel something moving around your knees. You lift up the edge of the tablecloth to see a small animal that looks at you. In a raspy voice, it whispers, “Hide me!”.
Carl tells tales 