Donald Trump
Had a dump
And wiped using really thin tissue.

His right thumb
Slipped up his bum
And he sucked it clean
While pondering the world’s issues.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
Always shared their things.

Recycling bins, Ryvita thins
And countless drawing pins.
Baked bean tins, jugs of gin
And a love of newspaper spin.

These two twins shared everything
Which made Ashley’s secret hard to keep in.

“Look!” she buckled, opening a bag one day,
“It’s my collection of strangers’ skin!”

“My God!” said Mary-Kate, with a nervous grin,
“I too collect bags of skin!”

The sisters laughed,
Emptied their bags in the bath
And hugged before both dived in.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Richard Ayoade
Popped on Showaddywaddy,
Slipped off his clothes
And shook his naked body.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Shia LeBeouf
Had had enough.
He sat on the floor
In a right old huff,
Tutting under his breath,
Keeping his mouth shut.
It was a convincing performance,
Better than any of his recent stuff.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Elizabeth Hurley was feeling all surly.
She was snappy and bitey
And well up for a fighty.
She didn’t like her urge to find things to kick
And walls to scale,
Until finally her wiser head prevailed.
She thought: ‘Yeah it’s good to be up,
But it’s natural to sometimes be down,
So rather than force a smile,
I think I’ll embrace today’s little frown’.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Natalie Portman
Bet a sportsman
She’d beat him in a race.

He laughed: “No chance!”
But she was just too fast
And celebrated winning
By gobbing in his face.

Which was a shame, really.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Bonnie Tyler
Grabbed a spider
And tickled all its feet.

It giggled and giggled
And giggled and giggled
Then wrapped her up to eat.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Liam Neeson
Had a threesome:
It was him, a cake,
And some gin.

The whole thing was scrum,
Care-free and fun,
Without a penis ever having to go in.

© Carl Burkitt 2018