Turn up for the books: A short play

A football PLAYER commits an horrendous, two-footed tackle on an opponent.

The REFEREE runs over and immediately brandishes a red card.

REFEREE: You’re off, son.

PLAYER: WHAT?!

REFEREE: Don’t what me, son. G’roff.

PLAYER: WHY?!

REFEREE: Don’t why me-

PLAYER: OH, COME ON! I DIDN’T DO NUFFINK!

REFEREE: Don’t play innocent with me, son. I’ve got a game to run. Now shove off.

The player waves his hands in the air.

PLAYER: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, REF! YOU’RE A FUCKING JOKE!

REFEREE: Call me what you like, that was a dangerous tackle worthy of a red. Now go!

PLAYER: YOU MUST BE FUCKING BLIND YOU FAT PRICK.

The referee points to the bench.

REFEREE: Any more and I’ll report you for dissent and get your ban lengthened. Now, GO!

The player puts his hands in a praying position.

PLAYER: But, please ref-

REFEREE: I SAID G- wait, what did you say?

PLAYER: Sorry?

REFEREE: What did you just say?

PLAYER: Err…Sorry?

REFEREE: No, before that…

PLAYER: Please?

REFEREE: …I thought so.

The referee puts his red card away.

REFEREE: Why didn’t you say that in the first place?!

PLAYER: Huh?

The referee ruffles the player’s hair.

REFEREE: Manners are all it takes to get me to completely change my decision, no matter how serious the offence. Now get back in there and have a good game!

PLAYER: Really?!

REFEREE: Really.

The referee smiles and waggles his finger.

REFEREE: Just play nice, you scamp!

The player kisses the referee on the cheek and runs back into the match, promising to never forget his manners again.

© Carl Burkitt 2015

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