A football PLAYER commits an horrendous, two-footed tackle on an opponent.
The REFEREE runs over and immediately brandishes a red card.
REFEREE: You’re off, son.
REFEREE: Don’t what me, son. G’roff.
REFEREE: Don’t why me-
PLAYER: OH, COME ON! I DIDN’T DO NUFFINK!
REFEREE: Don’t play innocent with me, son. I’ve got a game to run. Now shove off.
The player waves his hands in the air.
PLAYER: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, REF! YOU’RE A FUCKING JOKE!
REFEREE: Call me what you like, that was a dangerous tackle worthy of a red. Now go!
PLAYER: YOU MUST BE FUCKING BLIND YOU FAT PRICK.
The referee points to the bench.
REFEREE: Any more and I’ll report you for dissent and get your ban lengthened. Now, GO!
The player puts his hands in a praying position.
PLAYER: But, please ref-
REFEREE: I SAID G- wait, what did you say?
REFEREE: What did you just say?
REFEREE: No, before that…
REFEREE: …I thought so.
The referee puts his red card away.
REFEREE: Why didn’t you say that in the first place?!
The referee ruffles the player’s hair.
REFEREE: Manners are all it takes to get me to completely change my decision, no matter how serious the offence. Now get back in there and have a good game!
The referee smiles and waggles his finger.
REFEREE: Just play nice, you scamp!
The player kisses the referee on the cheek and runs back into the match, promising to never forget his manners again.
© Carl Burkitt 2015